“When do you think you’ll finally settle down, you know, stop moving around?” It’s a question I get asked a lot, usually from older family members or well meaning acquaintances – head cocked to one side; tone concerned and slightly confused, as though it’s a disturbing question to ask.
I suppose it is. Not having a ‘home’ is unconscionable to many people, and to move countries over and over again…with kids, well that’s a form of insanity.
I live with a compulsion to move. I call it Restless Expat Syndrome (I Googled it, didn’t find much, so I’m claiming it). The ‘S-word’ puts me into a cold sweat. Ssssssettllle. After six international moves, and three kids (each born in a different country) I’m not ready to settle yet.
As a self-analytical sort, I am always asking myself why. Why do I sign up for this over and over again? Why does the thought of chucking it all in and starting over fill me with excitement not dread? Why can’t I settle? Why can’t I just stay put for once?
The easy answer, and the one most commonly assumed is that I have commitment issues. Can’t choose one country and stick to it? Yep, definitely a commitment-phobe…probably an unresolved childhood issue.
The second assumption is that I believe the grass is always greener on the other side. I always want more, better, different. Spoilt expat.
And whilst, sure, I can see how people may reach these assumptions, when I look at them deeply and hold them up against myself, they don’t fit. I have many commitments in my life. My partner, my kids, my writing, a vague running schedule, I actually like commitment. And is the grass really always greener? As fellow expats, you know it’s not that simple, right? With every move you loose as much as you gain. There are trade-offs all round: warmer climate but you don’t speak the language; bigger house but smaller expat community; exotic food but for the love of god why can’t I ever find normal milk?! The grass is rarely greener, but it is always different.
So if my Restless Expat Syndrome doesn’t come from those two things, where does it come from?
How can place attachment make me restless?
Here’s what I know about myself: I am not a natural expat. I had to learn how to move. I don’t leave well. I don’t always welcome change. I’m sentimental about people and places. I connect with my environment, internalize it, and become attached to it. So a few months ago when I listened to author Melody Warnick talk to I Am A Triangle’s Naomi Hattaway about place attachment, bells went off in my head and I started thinking how place attachment could explain my restlessness.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: how can place attachment make me want to move more? But stay with me because there is method to my madness!
OK so starting at the beginning: what is place attachment?
Place attachment is defined broadly as the authentic and emotional bond with an environment that satisfies a fundamental human need. In her book This is Where You Belong: The Art and Science of Loving the Place You Live, Melody Warnick talks about how places seem to have a personality, a vibe and how some places are a natural fit and some take a bit more work. But whether its instant or crafted over time, the way we connect to a place is driven by our need to feel a sense of belonging.
Taking this a step further, we can also speak of Place Identity which occurs when individuals draw similarities between self and place, and incorporate cognitions about the physical environment (memories, thoughts, values, preferences) into their self definitions. Individuals may connect to a place in the sense that it comes to represent who they are. (Source: an insightful presentation found here).
This is the important part: over time a place comes to represent who we are. Put another way, our identity becomes inextricably linked to the place we live. But because we are complicated beings who respond and react to our environments, often certain countries bring out different elements of our personalities and therefore our identity may differ slightly in each new country we call home. For example, when I lived in Thailand I was more sensitive to remaining calm, saving face, being gentle; when I lived in Istanbul my more aggressive personality traits came to the fore. Not anger aggression, but for example advocating strongly for myself or my son with doctors, being firm with grumpy taxi drivers who’d cheat me in a flash, or people cutting in line at the grocery store. In South Africa I could be my outdoorsy sporty self with trail running and horse riding.
The fundamental question…
So here is my question: if a place comes to represent a part of our identity, what happens when we leave that place? The answer of course is that we leave a piece of ourselves behind with it. That’s how we can be homesick for a place that isn’t our home. It’s a yearning to reconnect with that part of ourselves. And so what happens is that when we think about parts of ourselves, our memories and who we are, we are also thinking of the place with which that part of us is inextricably tied. And for me, when that happens I find myself wanting to be back in that place, back in that time. But what all long-term movers will tell you is that once you’ve closed the door on your life in a particular country, you can never go back, it will never be the same as before you left.
Given this, the next question becomes: how does place attachment to numerous places around the world impact how we conceptualize our present identities?
I personally, still have emotional place attachment long after I’ve physically left a country. And because I connect so deeply to my surroundings (and need to in order to enjoy life there) I can’t detach myself from a place after I leave. This means when I think of a country I’ve lived in I’m automatically recalling a part of my identity. I think over 16 years and 7 countries I believe that I cannot and will not ever be complete in one country. My memories are too scattered, my identity too geographically fragmented. And so I choose to keep moving. Not because I’m searching fruitlessly for the place where I’ll feel most like myself, but because my identity is now bound to not-being-bound. My restlessness is fueled by the fact that I call many places home, and that my identity will always be linked to the place I loved. There just happens to be many of them.
Does any of this resonate with you? How do you find your identity on the move?
Great piece ❤️❤️
Thanks hun xx
Oh Lucille! Thank you for explaining so succinctly how I feel! It’s like I suddenly feel understood! My dad likes to bet how long till we move again, and we are currently contemplating a move to an expat role. I am so excited, but my husband is reluctant. He thinks we should settle. It makes me depressed to think of it.
Resonated 100%!!! Have lived in 7 countries and I am about to move again! ☺️
You rock!!!
I moved often with my children as well. A!l over the USA (home county), Canada, and now Mexico! I settled down here because I love the Spanish culture.
I am black, my kids are mixed with Irish and Italian. Yet, we fit in!
We also love to travel to Asia, South America, and Europe. One day I will travel to Africa and Dubai.
I think once you find the right country that fits you…then you’ll settle down! Don’t rush it! Also, you will know because you will want to vacation to other countries, and go back to your home.
The thought of settling down makes you want to vomit because you haven’t found the nuke …
I am a Trauma Mental Health Counselor and Author (true crime stories), and I understand your passion to write and run! It also help me escape my child hood awful memories!
So we commit to what we love and trust!
Your blog post is amazing! Don’t stop moving until you can’t … when you can’t … then you will know!
Keep in mind that other’s rarely understand success, especially when it’s foreign.
I built my two companies and make more money online in the USA, from another country, while people in the USA can’t make a penny.
Their advice, thoughts, or concern is no longer valid, because they haven’t moved an inch … Yet their life is going in circles!
So the next time you are put in that awkward situation, just remember, you have tons of expats that are and were just like you.
We support your decision!
I have never been able to explain this about myself. Thank you. I don’t feel like I’m running away from places or myself. I love them all. Its hard to resist the urge to this influenced and altered. I’m exploring myself when I move just as much as I’m exploring a new place.
I’ve lived in four different countries and I still long to live abroad. I currently live in Saint Petersburg, Florida and it works because so many people have moved here from somewhere else. What I loved about living abroad is the community of adventurers! The open mindedness and the welcomeness of expats. Great read! Enjoy your expat life. Happy for you.
Tracy^
Hi, just stumbled upon your article after considering moving to Holland! I just spent 4 years in Asia (Hong Kong and China), lived in the Uk and Spain and grew up in France and Germany, African born of Portuguese origins.
My genes and ancesters are already restless! 😀 sometimes like now again I wonder “why cant I settle down?” “Why do I always feel excited about a new move?”
As you say each city has a new energy so it could be considered as each city/country is a human being and how amazing it is a to learn new people and make new friends?!
What an exciting adventure always, I actually say that If I could Id live1 year in each country of the world 🤣
My friends and family react equally, biggest concern is That I am still single at 38 so I get my share of “husband?kids?”…
Would you say moving makes it harder to settle in love life as well? Id like to know your thoughts.
Very much appreciated your article and nice to see that one isnt alone! 😄
Greetings from Spain!
Hi Andreia, thank you for your lovely comment. I think you capture the excitement of moving just right! So about your question, does moving make it harder to settle in your love life: here’s what I think…I don’t necessarily think moving around makes it difficult to meet the person you will fall in love with, as you know, living abroad makes it easier to meet amazing people! However, I really do think when you live in different countries you get to know yourself in deeper ways, you realize what you want and what you don’t want. Someone who is independent, someone who thinks big, someone who isn’t afraid, someone who is curious and caring and interested in the world. I think these attributes are sometimes harder to find in a person, which is maybe a way that living globally makes it a bit more challenging to find love. Just thinking out loud! xx
Hi thanx for saying that!I feel the same and this is as well my own reasoning behind (36 single 🙂 but who knows…
Thank god its not just me! I’ve been moving from place to place all my adult life. The longest time I have ever stayed in one place is seven years. My biggest move was from Ireland to the UK just over seven years ago. Now at 63 I’m trying to move back again, but not to the same place. My sisters are all settled and never think of moving and I wish I could be the same. I blame my dear departed mum as she, through no fault of her own, moved us around a lot.
Thank you for your post. My daughter is finishing high-school and we managed to live in one country for 7 years, 3 different properties, felt like it was important to stay put for high-school. This has been the longest we have been anywhere and now feeling the itch again. Just cannot see myself and my wife living in one spot. Feel trapped if I cannot pack up and start over every couple of years. And not sure owning a place appeals to me anymore. Just want to be totally free.
Interesting analysis. I don’t have RES myself (good term!), but I definitely appreciate place attachment. Despite not having particularly deep roots anywhere, I still love to feel settled.
I love the idea of being settled, I just can’t seem to reconcile it with my need to move 🙂
I’m glad I found this. I have been struggling the last couple years with wanting to move back to the previous country I lived in. Like so bad I cry over it sometimes. I know its possible to go back, but deep down I think i know it won’t be the same and I think thats why I don’t just do it. Its such a struggle, but i like the point about closing the door on a country and how it will never be the same. Great point that I have to remember.
Yes I have always moved a lot as an adult. I enjoy the adventure of the new grocery store , new friends ect. We recently started roaming abroad and it suits me so well. We can stay long enough to feel restless and move on. We make friends easily and have so much to see we feel like staying put is not realistic. We are happy to host our friends when they want to meet us somewhere, so we feel we are not missing out because home is where we are. We are home every place we have been 💖
I Agree
I love this. I feel attacked when people are like you need to settle down. Why? I love the Freedom and adventure
This just hit the nail on the head for me. I’ve been moving so much in the paat 5 years that I loose a bit of that identity of me that is missing in the old place.
It is getting harder each time to move for me. I just need to remember the place ive left and reconnect with my friends from there to keep that part of me alive and current.
This definitely resonates with me. I have never lived abroad, but haved moved around the southern states multiple times. I’ve lived in 8 different cities in the past 8 years. I’m feeling restless again. I’m married and have a four year old. I feel torn about settling in one spot for her benefit, but my spirit never feels quite ready to call a place home.
Because we moved so often as children (my two brothers and I went to many schools, sometimes midterm and when I married my husband we moved house a few times (I count 13 dwellings). Finally, we settled in the house we build in 1992 but I have always been restless wanting to build on or change the lay-out of the garden. I still check the property market in papers and on Property 24. I would move tomorrow but I stay here because that’s the house our children and our grandchildren who are old enough remember. I do not want to take that away from them.
So maybe I also have a syndrome sprouting from my childhood…
There are many studies that draw parallels between children who are internationally mobile and who are locally mobile. They often exhibit the same characteristics and attitudes. You certainly did your fair share of moving, and passed it down to your children! Thank you 😉
This piece really resonated with me. Though I’ve only lived abroad in Colombia and now Spain, I completely agree with different parts of your identity being teased out by each culture. The thing that I think is becoming more and more appealing to me is that I’m surprised by how I adapt, i.e. those traits that are brought to the fore. Almost as if moving to a new place is a means of self-discovery. And while it’s hard to leave a place (I still miss Bogotá), I do love the patch-work personality/culture that I’m developing.
Absolutely Danielle! And I think that’s the gift and curse of moving: you have this incredible opportunity to discover elements of yourself and grow hugely, but this self discovery is exhausting! I do think its a major part of why moving becomes addictive. Thanks for reading! xx
Totally resonated with this, Lucille! Having moved 61 times within 14 countries over 5 continents, my “home” is universal as a little piece of my heart was left behind in every single one of those countries. I yearn to find a place to call “home” yet worry I will never find it as no one single place will do. And yes most family members and some friends despair of me, taking my dilemma very personally. So great to know I am not alone 😊
Aah Rosemary you are definitely not alone! It is hard when people think this way of living is somehow deficient or that we have something wrong with us…maybe it’s not as bad as that, but certainly not everyone understands. But 14 countries, 61 times!??!! That’s CRAAAAAZY! I totally aspire to that hahaha!
Thank you so much for this post! I’ve been following your writing for a while and this piece in particular resonated with me so! I currently live in Colorado, an amazing place, but I’ve been here nearly 13 years and find myself incredibly restless! As a true TCK (my family moved to Germany when I was 11 years old and I grew up attending the IB school in Munich), I find myself often restless, really missing Europe and searching for “home” – while I love my life in Colorado (mountains, yay!!), I don’t especially love the city in which I live, so it’s a strange dichotomy of both being rooted and feeling totally not at home. I am currently working through a TON of identity issues around this and feeling a bit directionless – curious what books/resources you might recommend that speak to this? I’ve just ordered the one you reference in this blog. Thank you so much for your sharing your journey with us! – Jen
Thank you for your lovely comment Jen! Sounds like you have a whole lot of identity related stuff to work through. I think if I’m honest, continuing to move means I don’t have to face that process. This is why repatriating was so hard for me, and whilst I miss SA I’m also glad we moved again…kind of…haha! Your TCK upbringing would definitely feed your sense of restlessness, but at the same time, what a gift to be so unique. At a recent conference I attended one of the speakers said as TCKs, one of the bravest things we can do is stay put…those words will always stay with me, even though I’m not that brave yet. Good luck lovely! xx
OMG, guys! I sat down and started searching for “grass is greener” syndrome or something like this, because I am suffering from this addiction. I am not sure why I do it. I have just moved to Spain 4 months ago and this is my 7th move. I lived in many continents and generally move every 2-3 years. But the more I move the sooner I want to move! Why? I have been asking myself this question so many times.
And you know what I have been doing for the past week? Searching what the life is like in Sweden, in Los Angeles and other location. All I am saying to myself is WTF? And I do have some sort of Identity crisis. And surely my family has given up already trying to understand me. They are not even surprised when I say that I move again:) But what bothers me is that because of this I feel unhappy. I don’t have many friends, cuz basically, there is not enough time to make them:)
Thanks a lot for your piece! Love hearing that I am not the only one!
Hugs, Inna
Inna I totally relate to you. I’ve lost count of moves I’ve had. I’ve stayed with friends, lived in hostels, and I’ve just got back from China, already planning the next 5 years… WTF. Family and friends it had become a common joke.
I moved several times as a kid and had some trauma on the way too.
My grandmother was the same. One disaster to another she was.
When does it all just get comfortable??
Tom, thanks for sharing! This is crazy)) haha Not funny, but why not laugh at ourselves?))
I, on the other hand, never moved in my childhood. I only moved away from my tiny town when I was 16. No one in my family ever moved anywhere! I am the only one!)) I hope it gets better for you! I am moving again in 3 weeks time)) Back to Australia. I am the citizen and it will be easier for us to live there. Also, I understood one thing: I didn’t have a job that interested me enough and satisfied me. As we speak, I am launching my own Bikini brand and now I feel a lot better! I think I realized that the happiness is the state of mind and it doesn’t matter where I live. Well, ask me again in…a few years, I might be saying something else)) haha
I didn t move much as you did I just lived in Cyprus married had children there for 7years.I made my husband s life there hell crying daily I was home sick and wanted to go back to my country. I hated my house there. Was constantly thinking of my family and what a better life I would have if I move back to my country. (Malta. The crises hit Cyprus and we returned to Malta which I was so happy that finally I will get all my happiness back which I lacked for 7years.The time came and returned to Malta happy the first week and shocked after that I started missing Cuprus and the house that I really hated. 6years on and I still think daily about moving back to Cyprus but I try to tjink to my self what if I mive and start feeling bad again and happiness will only last for few weeks?? This makes me stay put and fight constantly with brain trying to make it see the positive things I have here. But like the auther wrote the memories you live them behind in that country but if I go back it won t be the same. Very nice article made me feel O am normal cause at times O doubt it that I have some sort of emotional problems😉
I’ve learned that its really easy to believe that our happiness depends on a certain place. We build it up in our minds and then the reality is a big let down. Nostalgia also plays a role in tinting our memories of a place and we forget the bad stuff. I think sometimes it’s harder to stay put than to leave. Good luck with finding your happiness Michelle. xx
I think you are right about the nostalgia thingy. Cause that s what makes us crave to be somewhere or with someone but unfortunatley past is past things will never be the same. Time pass things change and people change.
This article and this comment really relate to me as well. Just moved to a new country 4 months ago and I am so scared bearing the thought I have to live here for the rest of my life.. I keep searching online pros and cons of living there and there… but what I really want is all my friends I made in the past 7 years in 5 countries and have them in one place in the world 😀 I am constantly unhappy and looking for a new place to live :(((
Great piece Lucille! there is also an element of being able to reinvent yourself when you move to a new place? a fresh start.. a chance to pull the different parts of your identity together in a new way. There is also the practical side of things.. you are moving around because you have the wonderful chance of being “moved around” by Bertos job? and this expat deal in itself is hard to give up. Going local and making a life in a new country is hard, when it’s independently done, without the support of a company helping you move and the enourmous financial advantages. Having recently returned to “real life” in Spain, after all those wonderful, exotic, in hindsight luxurious years in Saigon, I can see why people stick to the expat path. Its easier!
Absolutely Lisa, and very well said. Of course having the safety net of a company helps and makes moving less stressful so you can focus on the personal growth/experience side of it. We have localised here, and it’s hard!! You know 😉
This is honestly one of the most refreshing reads I’ve read in awhile. I’m on my 4th move and feeling equally as restless as I am content and wondering if and when it is the right time to move on. This was so enlightening and every word you wrote resonates with me completely. I attach and become so sentimental over every place I’ve been/lived/visited. It’s what makes the hellos so exciting and the goodbyes feel unbearable. It’s a struggle to want to be everywhere and nowhere specific all at once, isn’t it? Thanks for the read <3.
Hi Jerrica, thank you so much for your lovely comment. You put it beautifully, there is so much give and take in this expat life. We go up and down, become attached only to release and attach somewhere else. You are absolutely right, we want to be everywhere and nowhere all at once! How crazy is that!?!
This article was amazing! I’ve moved so many times, but in particular, I spent 6 years in Tel Aviv and I think about that time of my life all the time. Even though when I go back now, years later, everything has changed and I always feel gutted. I’m not 25 anymore and I can’t party like I used to, and all my friends have either gotten married or moved away as well. But you are SO right, it’s the time of my life I want to relive, that amazing independent, single life, that I associate with the city. I didn’t even know others felt this way, or that this was even a thing. I feel so much better now that I know it’s normal to feel this way.
Oh goodness Ayala, what a lovely comment! Thank you! We are definitely not alone, I mean, everyone wants to relive their youth at some point right?…but it’s so much more complicated when your youth happened somewhere that you can never return to…or if you do return its so very different and can never be recreated in any form. I feel this way about Vietnam, also in my early 20s, kid free, what a time! Sigh.
Such a lovely comment Ayala, thank you! We all want to relive our youth at some point, right? It just makes it much more complicated when that youth happened a million miles away in time and space. You are definitely not alone, and completely normal to want to recapture those times in your special place. I loved Tel Aviv, you must have had the BEST time ever!
But did it stress you out to have kids? My husband wants them and I’m terrified of losing my freedom (stop, drop, and party… you know?). How did you do when you became a mom?
Kids change everything, absolutely no doubt about that! My personal opinion is to take your time, don’t rush into it because your years of freedom are fleeting. I think back to before I had kids and I think, what the hell did I DO with all that spare time?? Now, I literally can’t pee without being hassled by one of them. Appreciate the time you have now with your husband, following your dreams etc. I am not saying kids put a stop to all that, in fact I think they enrich our lives beyond comprehension, but if you are worrying or dreading the lifestyle changes that inevitably happen when you have kids, I’d say give yourself some more time.
Lucille, this is so well written and explains a lot of thoughts I have recently. I don’t know if I am a Restless Expat yet but I am itching to make next move after 3 years in London. I can resonate very much to that you don’t welcome change and attach to your surroundings, yet you move – gave me a lot of clarity for my sake in these very confusing times!
Thank you so much Mahbano! We’re moving to London over the summer, so my need to move has been granted…for now!
A good thought provoker. I concur with your view that different locations draw out different elements of ones personality. However after many moves around the world and still with an inherent restlessness, I do question whether the ‘resonance’ with ones personality should not be able to be satisfied within any environment, without the need for travel. As best as I can figure, I am driven to travel by the elements you mention but also the unquenchable appetite for challenge and change for the sake of it. In greying years, and still on the move, I (occasionally) wish for the former but unquestionably prefer the latter. Ever tried living on a boat? ; )
A boat! I get so seasick I’d have to REALLY be in love with the idea to get my sea legs! In my experience of moving around, different locations bring out different parts of me, different elements of my personality, and often when I leave a country I leave that side of me behind too. Or at least, elements of myself recede and others become prominent. And then I notice the difference, and I feel like I have to be back in the previous location to feel that side of me again. I dunno, does that make sense?
But yes, I also love the challenge and change of travel and a move. I hope I can still be on the move in my greying years like you!
Hi I can relate to what you say. I am very old and still can’t settle. I don’t have a lot of money so it is always a problem finding accommodation. I am going to Sydney which is very expensive and accommodation is impossible. I have nicest flat I have ever had at the moment. Usually I have to share which has its problems but still I am going. I have to hand in my notice today. Before I moved in I had decided to return to Sydney. The only reason I am going is to stop thinking and worrying about it and yet I face up to all sorts of problems. I have to start off In a hostel again. I dont have the courage to stay.
Best of luck to you Beryl. You sound like a brave lady.
Hi Lucille – thank you so much for writing this piece. It totally resonated with me! I did some overseas stints pre-children when I was younger and with my children when they were older. But my nomadic life really started in my late 40s (I’m now in my late 50s) and I too attach to a place and feel like it has a personality of its own – consequently this affects and changes who I am when I live there or at least brings out another aspect of my personality. My adult children live in Australia where I’m originally from and my partner (we met in London) lives in Kenya with our dogs so that’s a kind of “go home” base for me. But I still move around doing contracts in different places much to the horror of my children and consternation of some of my friends! So thank you for making me feel part of a “normal” community for once. 😊
Hi Joanne, thank you for your lovely comment. You get this completely! xx
I would like to ask the author of the post about how the children are dealing with being moved around? This isn’t criticism, more like curiosity since I too have moved to quite a few countries (4). My daughter has lived in 4 countries, but once she reached school age I decided to stay, because she loves everything in this country. I can’t say the same thing about myself, but if she had to leave her friends and surroundings behind, I know she would struggle. I also have a son who is 1.I would love to move back to the first country I emigrated to, as I lived there longest and my heart simply belongs there, but i know that children need routine as a safety network and they seem to be simply loving it here. Therefore I am very curious what effect you moving the countries has had on your kids? In terms of getting to know the new school friends , rules, system etc. I like to hear more a boy it.
Many thanks
Hi Kristina, thank you for your comment, and very valid questions. These are questions I ask myself daily (all expat parents do), and there really is no straightforward answer because what is true right now, may not be true in 2 or 3 years time as they grow and change. So for us right now, moving works. My boys have fitted in and adapted really well. We are actually moving again over the summer, we’ve been in Holland for 3 years and they really like it here and of course I am worried about how the kids will transition in their new location. I agree with you that kids need routine, but I am not sure I agree that the routine has to always be in a single location. Because we move every 3 years I think we have made our family the solid base around which everything else revolves. The kids have their room and their things in each country, the home routine doesn’t change that much from place to place, and they have felt at home within a fairly short period of time. I think attitude is key. I am conscious of always showing them how much they are gaining instead of focusing on what they loose with each move. We talk about living a mobile life, I am honest about feelings and concerns, they play an active role in everything from choosing their schools to deciding which toys to donate before a move. I can honestly say that so far, they are absolutely fine…they’re looking forward to moving. I always try to separate my fears from theirs, and sometimes that is hard. My worry far exceeds theirs.
But, you know your kids, you know what’s best for them. Good luck! xx
My observation, and experience, has been that kids do just fine within the family unit until they hit their teens. However, maybe due to physiological changes, teens seem to need a consistent environment outside of that family unit. Folks who have continued to travel during those years seem to place an extra stress on their kids which those kids find difficult to manage and problems can ensue. My advice, put your meanderings on hold for a few years.
Hi Ian, yes I do agree, location stability is important in the teen years. We are not quite there yet, I would say we have 2 more moves to make before we start thinking about staying put for a while.
Thanks! As you say everyone is different, so it’s up to each of us to decide what works best for us. At the end of the day there are no guarantees either way.i am keeping my options open though. Good luck with your move, sounds like it is going to be a great experience!
Kristina, I never moved countries as a child, but we moved to new city, after new city. I went to 10 different schools and lived in 30+ houses. I will say when I reached high school moving was detrimental. It messed with my university plans and actually set me back. Besides those later moves, I actually loved moving. Sure, it was challenging, but I adapted. My husband and I now move about every 2.5 years and I am able to quickly adapt and make friends very quickly. I’ve noticed the same with my children. They actually love moving, despite the challenges.
I’ve been an expat for over 20 years now and refer to myself as a citizen of the world. For me, I call that restless feeling the Itchy Feet Syndrome. Itchy Feet usually strikes me after 4 or 5 years of living in the same country. A couple of the countries I have lived in have been trying at best and one almost killed me; however, I have experienced incredible adventures, made great and lasting friendships and best of all met a wonderful man in a most unlikely place. We’ve been happily married ever since. I miss most the first country I settled into on my expat journey and will always consider it my second home, so returning for visits and reminiscing of my younger, carefree life there will forever hold a special place in my heart. And though I sometimes pine for the “Good Old Days”, I mostly look forward to the new adventures that each day offers us. I feel fortunate to have a great partner to share these experiences with because I have found that most who have never lived a life abroad, cannot relate to the innate desire to seek new horizons. Strangely though – probably due to my age – I’m now feeling the urge to put roots down somewhere. Let’s see how long that feeling lasts.
Ha.,,feel u..amazing
I’m restless because I’m curious. I want to see and hear and taste and feel and experience the world and its people and cultures!
I wish I could travel to lots of places like you. I think you will know when you find a place you want to settle in.
Wow, way to say exactly what I’m feeling, but wasn’t quite sure how to express it. I’ve been struggling for years to move back to England. It tears me to think I will never be as happy as I was when I lived there.
Sarah, what is holding you back from moving there again? I’m just curious, because I love UK and I’m fighting my inner battles not to move back, trying to convince myself that after 5 years things changed in UK and it may not be the same as I left. I lived there 10 years and absolutely loved it. Now I love in a small country, small town , complete opposite , but also very safe and healthy way of life , but missing the good old days..
Kristina,
I’m actually not sure what is holding me back. Maybe an obligation to let my parents see their only grandchildren? We’ve been back stateside for 5 years, but have lived in California, Hawaii, and finally Texas, 3 hours from me entire family. CA and Hawaii filled my need for excitement, but now that I’m back in the middle of the country I feel restless. I think a big part of us feels that if we move back to the UK we will never want to leave. However, we are making plans and currently trying to find our new country. It’s a bit overwhelming when you’d basically live anywhere in the world.
Hey! I understand what u mean. I have moved over 20 times withing 3 countries and I am only 25.
I am constanty«ly holding myself back in some aspects of life, like, having a dog, renting an apartment long-time, always keeping savings in case i will move again. The wish to move gets even bigger when i start to realise some things that go completely against the way i function. For example here, Portugal, life is slow. People are always late and for everything i need to wait – which is the opposite in Latvia. On the other hand the climate is nice, but not perfect. Andit will never be. Another thing is career. When moving to a new country you are expecting to find a decent job, that goes in hand with your career goals. After various attempts you still dont get the job u want and u think there must be a country where it is better situation. Or you are still too young for the good jobs. Whatever the answer is i cannot get over the restlessness and actually settle because i feel like I will miss on something. My attachment to this country is my partner. Which affects all my life decisions.
Hey Kristine, I think the challenge is to find the peace within the restlessness. I’m getting more restless the older I get, which is weird I guess, the complete opposite of what you’re supposed to do. I try not to attach too much judgement to the feeling of wanting to move, and just try to enjoy where I am now. Sometimes its harder to stay put. xx
Lucille, I like how you say that you try not to attach too much judgement to the feeling of wanting to move. I feel like if I do that, I stress myself out. Focusing on what you want, is what it’s all about huh. I’m 34 now and have lived in four countries so far. I feel like I want to use these years whilst am in my prime to live in many countries, experience many cultures and travel the world! – Even though, being from England, I love it and do get so homesick! One lovely thing is travelling to England for my ‘holidays.’ When you can holiday at home, it’s the nicest thing in the world! It’s interesting you say you get more restless the older you get… I feel that! I think it’s growing in confidence and knowing we can handle any culture/country as we get older and also, the more we travel, the more we realise there’s more we haven’t seen and less life to live to fit everything in…!
Yes, we’re extremely privileged; it almost makes me cringe how privileged :-O
Yeah, I feel the same…travel and move before we are forced to do it less due to kids getting older, or us getting too old! Interesting that you say you don’t always want to move but feel like you should move. I have that all the time. I think if given the choice I’ll always move, even if I feel settled. I wonder if that is a unique aspect of perpetual travelers? We move no matter what.
Hey Kristine, I find your comments interesting. I think I’m really lucky that, as a teacher, I can move to different countries and follow my career goals at the same time, if I angle things right. I’m English (and had also lived in Scotland), so taught there, in a few niche roles, over a few years, as a qualified teacher; then taught in Bulgaria… then after 15 months got restless and ‘moved’ to Barcelona, and then, after four days there, realised I just wanted to see Asia for the first time (aged 32 and never having been), so hopped on a flight to Bangkok. Here, I am, two years later, already feeling confused and having itchy feet again!! Bangkok is very hard to leave, for me! But am considering Beijing! And, what I was going to say is, I have a strangely unique relationship with a Bulgarian man who I met when I was living in Bulgaria. We love each other, but both like our space – him at home, and me, all over the world! So, I guess I’m lucky to have established that with someone so supportive. It’s an open relationship as well, which might sound strange to some! Not widely open, but we’re each free to see other people if it feels right for us. One day perhaps I’ll meet a fellow eternal traveller to be with….. but, as mentioned above by Lucille and some others, I think it’s issues from my childhood (not an easy childhood) that affect my ability to commit. At the same time, the world is ‘smaller’ now and we have so many opportunities… I can’t resist taking them…! – Now, how do I get around to leaving Bangkok…? Haha… Or will it ever happen…? I moved here because they have pink taxis here, and now it’s hard to leave the colours and energy of the place! Has anyone else reading this ever lived in Bangkok? Lucille, you have lived in Thailand, yes? I’ve loved it so far but found cultural challenges at work extremely hard to deal with (as in my school is very traditionally Thai and they never fire anyone… no matter how little they deserve to be there… so it really affects the team, sadly). I’m thinking of Beijing because I miss having seasons and being able to get out and hike lots! – It’s much easier to access countryside than it is in Bangkok. And, of course, the money for teaching is good, and you can still teach huge class sizes (love that!! – Gimme 50 teenagers) for good money.
Lucille, thank you for an amazing article!! It’s really comforting to read! And all the comments, from such like minded people! Xx
Jess, there must be an element that links back to our childhood, but it doesn’t always swing in favour of moving. Some kids who moved as kids (or were uprooted within their own countries) put down roots as adults and never move again. So there is an element of nurture, but its got to be nature too?
Yes, I did live in Bangkok, about 10 years ago! The comments on this post are incredible! So wonderful to read. xx
I’m the same as you I can’t stay in one place for too long, I’m way too curious.
Curiosity is a wonderful reason to want to see the world 😉
OMG, guys! I sat down and started searching for “grass is greener” syndrome or something like this, because I am suffering from this addiction. I am not sure why I do it. I have just moved to Spain 4 months ago and this is my 7th move. I lived in many continents and generally move every 2-3 years. But the more I move the sooner I want to move! Why? I have been asking myself this question so many times.
And you know what I have been doing for the past week? Searching what the life is like in Sweden, in Los Angeles and other location. All I am saying to myself is WTF? And I do have some sort of Identity crisis. And surely my family has given up already trying to understand me. They are not even surprised when I say that I move again:) But what bothers me is that because of this I feel unhappy. I don’t have many friends, cuz basically, there is not enough time to make them:)
Thanks a lot for your piece! Love hearing that I am not the only one!
Hugs, Inna
Thanks Inna, there is certainly a compromise to be made when we move many times. We do lose the time needed to make really good friends when we move on so fast. We usually stay in a country for 3 years and I have found that this is a good length of time, although sometimes also feels too short. After 6 months I’m ready to move again, but knowing that I have to make a life for the next 2.5 years pushes me to really make and effort and find people who I like to be around. I do think it’s good to stay put sometimes, to feel the urge to move and to calm it. But, that being said, our move at the end of 3 years is usually always welcomed! Thanks for taking the time to comment!
I’m so glad I found this blog, I’ve been trying to understand my itchy feet, in case it’s caused by some other issue (like boredom) and not really what I want at all?! I have always lived in England and wanted to move to Scotland for years, now I’m settled with a wonderful and supportive partner and two boys aged 6 and 2. Since Brexit I have found the UK an increasingly depressing place to live and would love to take our family somewhere that better reflects our values, but where? Scotland doesn’t feel like the place any more either. I’m not after a hot place, somewhere cooler and calmer. I’m afraid of uprooting our family and getting it wrong though, and also my partner and I seem to want slightly different things from a move – he’s being amazing because this restlessness is essentially coming from me, and he is looking into it with me and getting on board, but if it went wrong I would just feel terrible. I suppose we need to do more research and hope there is a place out there and suits both our needs best. I moved around the UK a lot when I was little, it’s hard to say how it effected me because my parents split half way through that time and that unsettled me – may be if they had been a happier couple I would have been ok? My Mum and Dad have both been restless and moved around a lot before and since that time, neither of them ever seem to have got it quite right and I’m scared that I have just inherited some kind of restlessness from them that means I won’t be happy anywhere! – and I don’t want my children and relationship to suffer as a result of my itch to move either. It’s hard, I’m just sitting here taking some time out trying to discover where this feeling comes from…..I suppose, in fairness I have lived in this town since I was 8 so it’s not totally bonkers to want to try somewhere new, but does make it all the more scary!
Hi Rowena, thank you for your comment, you have a lot going on in your head right now! I think that it’s good to be cautious about moving abroad, especially if it is on your own steam and not company initiated. Moving to a new country is stressful, and it continues to be stressful for a long time. You need a strong marriage to handle it! However, it sounds like this takes up a lot of your thoughts, so I do hope you are thinking strategically about how to bring a move into your reality. Brexit is a worry…we’ve just been posted to the UK and come March I think there are big changes coming, and not for the better.
You express many doubts, you’re worried about your kids, worried you won’t find a place that will make you happy, worried you will make a mess of it. These worries are completely natural, and I don’t know anyone who has moved abroad and not felt all of the things you express. A move can be a good thing in spite of feeling terrified, and I think a place is almost always what we make of it. Good luck! xx
Hello from Thailand. I’m a little late to the “party” here.
FYI.. I found your article when I Googled “why am I so restless”.
Your article made sooooo much sense. I’m a retired male.. and an expat of more than 40 years. The general consensus from my family and freinds is that I need to “be grounded”.
It’s such a trite phrase and I’m not even sure what it means! If bring grounded is the same as stability.. then why.. I’m asking myself this a lot lately… Is this stability thingy so important.
I’m my years it’s actually a little (a lot?) about which country to die in! It’s not a morbid thought.. It’s practical and very real. My good health.. mental and physical is only going to lady for so long.
Leaving a little bit of me around the planet makes a lot of sense.. I do have incredible and fast attachment to places.. But I also have an incredible desire to plan a journey.. And pack. Again and again.
Most of my fear ND negative thoughts come from family and freinds who think I’m crazy. As one of my sisters said “come home John. Haven’t you had enough fun”. No.. not really 🙂
Yep, I’m on country number 6 in ten years. Now looking at the front door again. Have only been here in Myanmar a year and a half. Too many places to see! Keep on truckin’ 😉
I have never stayed in a home too long and I’m fearing that my restlessness is creeping up again. I bought my first house at 19, I’m 51 I have owned 5 houses in that time, I’ve been here for 10 yrs, I don’t want to move, but I feel like I have to, I can’t seem to stay longer than 10 years. And husband’s 3 in that time, although I probably would of stayed with #2 I seem to keep going back to. Yea, #3 is on his way out the door, unless I jump ship and move to England. That’s huge though for me. Why can’t I just settle down? Any suggestions, articles, research would be appreciated. I did grow up on the lower middle class,we moved alot, but I stayed mostly in the same city and same school, 4th through12th. Now, myself I’m comfortable financially, i support my husband who won’t work. my children have great jobs and a good education.
Really difficult situation, thank you for sharing. I think there is a time to stay and a time to go, and only you can know which is which. Its tough, but sometimes the bravest thing to do it to stay put. All the best to you xx
Bonnie, I get that feeling of ‘I don’t want to move, but I feel like I have to…’ – I think it’s just deep down I DO want to move, but it’s exhausting too, on some level, to always want to move…!
Just found this on google and I relate so much.
Like you, I do feel like we leave a small part of ourselves in each place we live in. I was born in New York, went to middle and high school in Hawaii, went to college in Boston, worked in Brazil for just under year, and now I live in Italy. However, my parents now live in Florida and California so I have been spending extended time there as well.
I feel like my idea of “home” is so distorted now since I have called so many places “home” and the word had no significance in my life anymore. When I moved to Italy for the first time (4 years ago.. yup I’m on attempt 3 now), I thought I wanted to stay here forever. Then of course, I moved to Brazil for clarity and adventure and it made me EVEN MORE CONFUSED since I loved it so much.
As I said, I live in Italy now and I need to stay until at least 2023 to claim my Italian citizenship. On some days, I feel ready to settle down a little bit and I really want my citizenship so I can live anywhere in Europe. On other days, I want to say “screw it all” and find a job and live somewhere in Mexico, Argentina, or Morocco.
It kind of drives me crazy because sometimes I feel like I’ll never be happy living anywhere because my mind is always somewhere else 🙁
Also I’m 22 so that could be a factor haha
Hi Mike, yeah, the concept of home is something I’ve completely given up on! I think people like us need to come to terms with being at home in multiple places, and sometimes head home is not heart home. Thank you for reading!
I am in exact same position. I have lived in 3 countries long term and visited many others short term. I think there are two main reasons why I always need to move:
1. I need to explore. I am an explorer. I love new things, new people, new ideas, a new outlook on life, everything that differs from what I heard or saw before. This way I fulfill my need to practically build my picture of the world and look at it systematically. Books will not give you this.
2. I am in search of the place that resonates with all parts of me. So far, for now, it is South Africa, mainly because here I am busy living my life purpose. Will this change over time? I cannot say.
One thing I can say is it is great that we can move and that we are brave enough to do it even with children. Because, if you look at life, there is Planet Earth with various interesting places, the boundaries between so-called countries are so artificial. We all have one home – this planet. We all belong to the Earth and not a particular country. Makes me think though that I would like to expand a bit and go to space to explore:)
Oooh I love the idea of searching for a place that resonates with every part of you! Is that possible? If there is a country that can do that, its SA for sure. Your comment resonates with me so much, thank you. Artificial boundaries…absolutely!
So I did a search for why I keep moving. And I am wondering why I don’t get attached to a place. Why I don’t stay in one place. Why I don’t have a group of friends, a family, girlfriend, wife or kids and wow you have 3 in different countries.
Why am I so lonely and detached. Is the point of my life to just move and explore. Should I be looking for that place to settle or am I just distracting myself from other work that I should be doing?
Hi Ian, see, I have a totally different approach to feeling restless and I hoped that was communicated in the post…that restless feeling we have does not mean we have ‘failed’. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us. It doesn’t mean we are isolated or can’t commit. There are plenty of lonely and detached people who have stayed in one place their whole lives. Moving does not make you that way. Living globally connects you, it is a way to reach out to people, to ask questions, to make friends. Expat friendships are the most wonderful friendships, deep and if you put in the effort can last your whole life. Moving does not mean you are a loner. Exploration and detachment are not the same thing, and I don’t think that settling in one place will necessarily bring friends, family, girlfriend etc into your life. But you know yourself best. If you remove the judgement of non attachment, how do you really feel? All the best to you xx
This post is exactly what I needed to read today, so thank you. I’m a British expat living in Canada and struggling recently with a lot of varying emotions! It’s so nice to read that many people around the world feel the same or similar to me. It’s like having an extended friendship group of people I’ve never met!
For me, home is a couple of different places, rather than one specific place, but I still have a gnawing feeling that I’m not done looking for something. I’ve come to the realization that what I’m searching for isn’t security, safety and home, but rather adventure! Oops. I guess moving abroad again didn’t quite scratch that itch.
I’m planning to read this post several times over, and especially all the wonderful, varied comments! Thanks again for writing this. From one expat to another… this was gratefully received!
Hi Kat, thank you for your lovely comment. Our mobile community really is like an extended group of friends who just ‘get it’. I really love your point about not looking for security etc, sometimes we do just want adventure, and that’s awesome! May you have many more! xx
Hi all, and specially Lucille. I am an Spanish expat and I feel identified with what has been said in this post and also with many of the comments here. I am also an explorer and like living in other places in our beautiful planet. So far I lived in 3 countries and I have 2 nationalities. I live in Canada for almost five years now, and I am starting to feel the need to move somewhere else, not because I don’t like it here but because of the excitement I find on starting a new life somewhere else. I grew up in a beautiful island in the Mediterranean Sea and since I was a kid I always had that feeling of wanting to live in other countries and explore the world. I don’t know if this is going to stop one day (if I’ll settle somewhere or repatriate), but I feel I am starting to become more a global citizen and detaching little by little from my original roots. It’s sort of scary but exciting at the same time, difficult to explain with words. All the best to everyone and maybe see you somewhere in this gorgeous planet Earth.
Hi Angel, thank you for your comment, I’m glad this piece resonated with you. I like that you say you are detaching little by little from your original roots. It does feel like that doesn’t it? We feel further and further away from the person we were before we moved. But I try to look at is as an expansion rather than a detachment. Our experiences of other places and cultures widen our views and sometimes even change our views, and I like to think of this as coming back to myself, or even drawing closer to the world. We feel as though we are losing our culture and identity but what if we consider ourselves moving closer towards a global identity, one that is wider and deeper and richer than anything we have known before? I like that idea 🙂 xx
So glad I found this article! I’ve been asking myself this for ages! We just completed our 10th move in 10 years 3 months ago and I’m already looking for new opportunities! I’ve put it down to discontentment. But I’m starting to wonder how all this Moving will affect my kids in the long haul. I can’t help it! I just keep looking for the next thing. I long to settle, but I’m coming to realize we might just be a nomadic family.
So happy this resonated with you. I am so amazed and inspired by the responses to this blog post because it shows us just how united and similar our experiences are. I haven’t got it all figured out yet, but I really do believe that identity is not place bound…actually, let me rephrase that: identity doesn’t have to be bound to a place. It’s our challenge to find a sense of belonging in spite of belonging nowhere. OMG. Mind blown hahahaha! Thank you for reading and commenting! xx
This post really resonated with me as I was born and grew up in France until I was 11 and then moved to LA with my family where I spent about another 10 years and then to San Diego for university. I recently studied abroad in Canada for a year and I am now back in France for the summer. Although I technically lived longer in the US as it’s where I lived my adult life, I feel an immense connection and attachment to France and feel so much joy every time I come back here. Sometimes, I feel that I belong everywhere but also nowhere at the same time… I definitely agree with the part where your personality shifts from country to country as I do become a lot more “aggressive” when in Paris because I need to stand up for myself when people push me around in the metro or try to cut me in line. However, when I’m back in the US, I become a lot more relaxed. I will be moving to the UK next year and I can’t wait to see where that will take me. Definitely enjoyed your post, great read! xx
Thank you for your comment Sabine. You certainly have lived a global life! And now to the UK where you will add another element to your identity (and personality I’m sure). All the best with your move xx
Great piece ! You’ve exactly pinpointed my feeling.
I was born in the south of France to Belgian parents, moved to Belgium, then to Burkina Faso. At 16yo my only wish was to go back to France. But the cold truth fell upon me, once you close the door behind you of a place, going back never is the same. Ever since, I moved to Italy and to the Canary Islands. I’m not 30 yet and have moved 18 times in my life. I did buy a house, but I’m renting it out as neither this would furfill me.
As you said, every place brings out some parts of you – every place brings out its own parts of your identity and this combination, thats exactly what I need to feel complete.
I also have it with interests. I speak 7 languages. Learned myself to code, just for fun. Sometimes I retake algebra classes to keep my math skills up. I do yoga, fitness, Pilates, surf, ski, horsebackriding, pole dancing. I play the guitar, I draw, write poems and short stories and I’m an actress. Unfortunately, I cannot sing very well. But singing does make me happy. I never found a place where I can do all of my passions at once. But I guess I don’t need to. It’s the moving places and doing different things that is my identity.
I’m excited for your next move !
Thank you for your comment Charlotte. You have so many talents, what a wonderful gift. I agree with you, each place brings out a different side in us, and encourages us to focus on a different aspect of ourselves. And yes, moving places and doing different things is a wonderful identity!
Before reading this post, I felt really lonely because I was the only one in my family and friendship circle who experience the blessing and curse of this. A curse because when I return to certain place, I feel the need conform to expectations of my former self when I meet my old friends/family because they only identify/recognize that version of me. It was to the extent of changing my way of speech and accent to convince them or possibly myself that nothing has changed since the last time we met. However a blessing because of the amazing people I met, the amazing experiences and eye-opening knowledge. I have been moving for 8 years as of now, to 3 different continents, 6 cities, and yet I am always thinking of ways to afford my next trip. I would say however I do have commitment issues because I fear being too close to people, for some unknown reason. But just wanna thank you for this post!
Oh my goodness Leah, you have hit on such a huge point! “When I return to a certain place I feel the need conform to expectations of my former self when I meet my old friends/family because they only identify/recognize that version of me.” HUGE! This resonates with me so much. I joke and say that my friends only know me when they are all together because that’s when I am whole to them. I don’t have one single friend who has known me through all my countries. I think fearing being close to people may or may not be a result of your many moves. Sometimes I feel like moving so much makes me want to get close to people quickly because the timer will eventually run out.
Your kids. How has moving around so much affected them? Are they able to dismiss temporary roots like you? It’s different for kids. It can hurt and skyrocket stress to have to uproot and change “planets” frequently because they don’t have the ability to unplug like adults. I was raised by a parent that country-hopped. It made me a TCK but at very high costs. Remember, you’re not alone in your decision making when kids are involved. Food for thought.
Thank you for your thoughts Veronica. You speak about something that plagues me daily: how is this life affecting our kids? All I can say is this: we put our children first, and always will. I moved as a child and I did so with no support at all. It impacted me very deeply, and in many ways made me who I am today. I know how not to do it. And for me, that is a valuable tool in helping my children cope with change. I also read, research and talk to my global network of psychologists, school counselors, authors and parents who work with globally mobile children on a daily basis. There are ways to emotionally support your child through the change. But, yes, much comes down to individual personality, which is why as soon as one of my kids says enough is enough we will stop. I will also say that moving is spoken about almost every day in our house. Where we have lived, what it meant to us, how we felt when we lived there, when we left, imagining moving again, I constantly check in with my kids about how they are feeling. And I can honestly say so far so good. They have embraced moving. Will this always be the case? No, I don’t expect it to be. I truly believe that raising our children globally, if done with compassion and intelligence, is a gift. xx
This resonates deeply with me. I moved a lot as a military “brat”. I had no choice in those relocations overseas and in the US. Then, I lived Japan, Germany and Italy during my navy husband’s 30-year career. I actually became restless in each place around the same time that feeling of comfort, ease of movement, and linguistic skill coincided…Like soil needing tilling…My children developed the same mindset, helped along by intentional habits, such as learning the language of our host country, living in the natural communities versus the military bases usually. Learning the language of the host country provides a permanent souvenir that cannot be misplaced, lost, and it can be enhanced by its use in other places. I am grateful for the gifts this lifestyle has bestowed on me and on each member in my family. Thank you for this inspiring essay.
Thank you for your kind words Margretta. I love the concept of soil needing tilling. Perfect. You worked hard in each of your locations to infuse your children with the local culture, and I take that as a reminder to continue to do so with my kids. International habits. That’s it. Another lady commented that this may be damaging to my children, but I agree with you, this lifestyle has wonderful gifts if you pay attention and are intentional. xx
Thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel. I have lived in many different places my entire life and place attachment actually is the right term for how I look back on all the places I have lived. There are moments and times when I long to be in each one of them. Going to back to visit does feel like going “home”. I love that I can go back to visit and be that person from that place. However, now that my children are becoming adults I want to stay put so that they can wander and move around but still have a place to go back to where they feel almost complete. My parents kept moving around and that was hard for me.
This is so interesting Susan, thank you. So, as an adult you wished your parents had stayed in one place that felt like home to you? I think we as international parents can learn so much from those who have trodden this path before us. I didn’t and don’t have a family home, both my parents moved, and actually I do miss having that. I always dream of buying back my childhood homes just so I can feel connected to a place again. Thank you for your insights. xx
I think I can totally suit with this description. I’ve just noticed now that always after 2 years living in a place I start to develop anxiety, desire to move to find new frontiers, start to get bored of the place we’re living now.
It’s going to be the third international moving so it’s the second time that this is happening to me.
I have to little kids that still don’t complain but I always wonder if this “style”, of life could hurt them in their lifetime. I had root, my childhood belongs to some place and some people, and even harder I’m the only one in the family who lives abroad.
I can see in my kids they’re easily adapt to new situations, and they’re very flexible. I know the children of my friends back in my country they even moaning if they don’t sleep in their on bed for a night (for example if they go to travel, or a hotel, or sleepover or something like that) so that isn’t happen here. My kids doesn’t matter if we sleep ik a hotel, in a ship, on the road…whatever. doesn’t complain if we stay 30 days in another country or if we jump from one country to another.
I think for now is even fun. But experienced expats say things get harder when they get older, like 12 or 13, they make bonds with friends. This is my concern.
Maybe we will just stop. But I know that restless feeling…
We will see in a future what is our fate. And I hope don’t create a trauma for them.
Thank you for your comment. I think we all worry about our kids and what this lifestyle does to them in the long run. There are kids who are fine, and there are kids who struggle in terms of identity and belonging when they are adults. I think it is important to support them through conversation, and also reading everything you can about raising your kids abroad. Start with Third Culture Kids by David Pollack and Ruth van Reken. It really gives a fascinating insight into third culture kids. At the end of the day you are giving your kids a wonderful gift. As you say, they are flexible and adaptable. It may get harder as they grow older, but then you’ll make a decision based on what is best for them…you never know, it could be moving again!
Wow I’m so glad I found this! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences—clearly it has made a ton of people who live similar lifestyles feel less “insane” knowing that they’re not the only ones who have these thoughts and feel these urges! I’m only 20 but I have lived in around 5 different cities in the past 2ish years. It becomes challenging when I’m trying to pursue my post-secondary education but I keep feeling the need to move cities, schools, houses, and heck even change my program major within post-secondary. This is all frustrating to me in a sense because I feel like I will never be able to commit to a program!! Or a city!! Or ANYTHING!! Talk about commitment issues hahaha. I always feel so much excitement and gain so many cool new experiences when I’m constantly changing up my lifestyle.
This past week I went on a wellness retreat and learned and practiced meditation and mindfulness which helped put my mind at ease alotttt about these concerns of mine. I realized a problem of mine is that I have trouble living in the moment, or living presently. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy my experiences in new cities—but I also constantly find myself looking forward to the next thing. The next city, my next apartment, my next group of friends, my next favourite restaurant, etc. The mindfulness/meditation practices helped me learn to appreciate what I have right in front of me a bit more, which has helped me feel a little more sane. This being said, I still feel the urge to move…which is frustrating in a sense (but exhilarating in another sense that majority of my family and friends just don’t seem to understand :/ ). I was talking to a psychotherapist recently and I said “it’s almost like I hate stability” and their response was “well then that probably means there is a large benefit to instability for you”….which I thought was interesting..
I am also a self-analytical individual (as you mentioned you were) and am constantly asking myself why I do certain things, feel certain ways, or why I am the way I am. I want to say that my “benefit to instability” is the independence that I feel. When I constantly move around I’m not tied down to certain people, to a certain job, to a certain house, etc. Leaving is easy for me because I never stay somewhere long enough to let myself get wrapped up in the city. Sure I make friends and participate in different things, but I’m also totally fine exploring new areas by myself and talking to strangers and “locals” to gain insight into their way of living or even just to experience conversations I have never experienced before!
I’m a super curious person and living in the same place for too long makes me antsy….but I’m trying to convince myself to stay in a city long enough to complete my education (4 years) and then focus more on moving around. I think that I also have the mentality that moving cities will give me a “fresh start” and “solve all of my problems” (grass is always greener mentality) so that’s why I’m trying to fight these urges and get down to the “root problem” that’s giving me these urges to move. BUT at the same time another part of me is telling myself to not fight my urges to want to move, and to listen to what the universe is telling me!! UGH!! It’s almost like a constant battle with myself, so I’m relieved I’m not the only one who feels constant urges to move.
Sorry this was such a long response but your post really spoke to me. Once again thank you for sharing!! All the best with everything. 🙂
Hey Jaiden, I’ve got to say for a 20 year old you sound super switched on and in touch with your motivations. When I was 20 I didn’t have a clue! OK so here’s what I think…I think you are young so GO! EXPLORE! LIVE! I love that you are self analytical and it sounds as though you have a really good handle on why you are the way you are (restless). But I don’t think you need to look at being restless as being a problem, or something that needs to be solved. You are already aware of trying to live in the moment and appreciating where you are right now. But you are young, you want to get out there, live your life, do crazy things, be IN the world. So I say give in to it and don’t second guess yourself. Yes, there may be reasons behind your attraction to instability, but you are already aware of this in your mind and that is half the battle! I think that the more you live, the more you explore, the more you follow your dreams, the clearer things will become to you.
Best of luck to you Jaiden, you sound full of adventure and spirit, and how awesome is that!
Thanks you so much for this article.
It resonate a lot.
After growing up in Paris, traveling all over, landing in NYC for five years, Hawaii for 2, my family (one year old boy and husband) and I moved back to Paris.
Well it’s been a little over a year and I am starting to feel sick of it, looking at Costa Rica, Uruguay and Argentina (where my husband is from).
My friends are thinking and saying I am crazy, but am I?
Can’t settle, finding satisfaction in the excitement and richness of cultural diversity.
Thank you so much for this article again, it equals many years of therapy ; )
Thank your for your lovely comment Morgane. It is so hard to give up the feelings and highs of living internationally, so I know exactly how you feel. You are definitely not crazy. I hope you find a way of honoring your love of exploration and diversity! xx
Hi! I’m so glad someone wrote about this and owned it. I am originally Italian but half Russian And have been living in Australia in 2 different cities and the London for the last 7 years. (my dad is a nomad himself, from Omsk to Israel and then finally settled to Italy). What I feel is that when ever I’m in a place I want to be back in the one I lived before. So if I’m in Perth After 3 months I wan to go back to Italy or dream of moving to costa rica (I spent 5 days there but felt like home instantly) XD and if I’m in Italy after a few month I miss Perth. I don’t think I will ever be able to fix myself I feel a little broken. I don’t fit in or mash with my old life in Italy since I changed so much as a person, but I struggle with the Anglo “colder” culture. Also I miss my family and the support system I had in Italy. Here in Aus its a little lonely at times and life is busier so harder to actually really enjoy friend quality time.
Thank you for your comment Sharon. You are definitely not broken! There are so many of us who feel exactly the same way. Our identities are not tied to one place and so we feel connected to different parts of ourselves in those places. It shows a healthy connection and mindfulness to have such self awareness that we feel we want to be in touch with all those different aspects of ourselves, and therefore the countries in which that self-expression can be found. I think we should all acknowledge how wonderful it is to have our identities connected with such diverse places and not focus on the inability to ‘settle’ or stay in one place. xx
Man, this literally sums me up! My husband and I have moved 6 times in 5 years. We keep saying “lets settle down after the next move” because honestly, moving is so tiring. The actual packing up part, I mean. But then each time after 6 months of so, I’m dreaming of a new place. We literally just bought a house 3 months ago in SC, USA. I’m spending half of my day looking at places in England. 3 months?? Its a record for me! I just crave newness and fresh air. Fresh ideas. Fresh challenges. I love new jobs and trying new things. I literally can’t see myself in one career forever. I just want to try everything. Your post was so refreshing. And I am so happy we are not alone. I’ve often wondered if we are modern-day gypsies. Thank you for giving me a sense of being (kinda) normal!
Yes yes and yes! New places, new people, new challenges, its all addictive I think. We’ve been in England for almost 18 months, and I’m doing OK this time around…but I do think about moving ALL THE TIME!! 3 months is impressive though! Buying a house doesn’t necessarily mean YOU have to live in it! xx
so happy to see I am not alone about moving. I don’t move a lot yet, because I am still studying overseas. the ideas of moving around the world is always in my mind. I am glad I find someone has a same idea. I want to know more about how you feel and how you deal with your families. I mean your families in your own hometown. My mum will be mad if I don’t want to settle down. but I am thinking why I have to if I feel excited to move around.
I am Bulgarian. As a child I lived in Angola. After that in UK, Malta, Spain, Netherlands. I always feel excited before moving, but after that I feel sad, I miss my friends, I realize that my life before was better than the life I currently have and I regret. I still regret of leaving Spain. If it was up to me I would move back there immediately, but my partner doesn’t feel the same about it. I go to Spain quite often to see my friends, but it’s still not the same.
I found this so helpful, even though my case is slightly different. I have been ping ponging between the US and Belize since I was five. (My dad is Belizean, my mom American so I am a dual citizen.) I am now 55. I every time I think I am
“here” to stay, I get the craving to move to the other place. Maybe a different state in US, but a state and then right back to Belize after a few years. I keep thinking i should try somewhere else “neutral” but I keep just going between Belize an US. I am thinking of moving again after only 3 years this time! What resonated with me about your piece is the sense of fragmentation and feeling different parts of myself depending where I am. Mostly I love that, mostly. But I wish I could work out a life where I get to spend part of each year in both places rather than all this upheaval all the time!
typed’ why can’t I stop moving’ and found this. Brilliant! For the first time I see someone explaining that kind of thing without judgement and going below the surface, going to the Real reasons.
“..certain countries bring out different elements of our personalities and therefore our identity may differ slightly in each new country we call home. ” – truly resonate with this one, I think it might be hard to understand for someone who never moved. I did it for the first time when I was 16 and till that day, when I mentioned moving to another continent at 16, alone, people stare at me as if they saw something weird and ask: “Why???” . And to me the answer is so simple. To learn. To explore. To reach out and embrace many different places in the world.
Thanks for this piece and good luck with writing! And moving 😉
Thank you so much Katrina! This article has resonated with so many people, its wonderful to see we are not alone. All the best to you xx
I need to read more on this. I haven’t really been able to find people who’ve delved into this strange feeling.
I grew up moving between France and America (multi cultural family), and seeing as my dad was in the military…we moved constantly.
As an adult I worked in France, and later on Tokyo (a lifelong dream that was as amazing as it was uncomfortable).
Now, post Tokyo, I find it nearly impossible to cohesively meld my realities together: Reality A (pre Japan), reality b (Japan) and reality c (me now, after all of those things I experienced).
The result is being dissatisfied with where I am now, yet unable to look away from my constant influx of memories.
Any advice on this?
So interesting! I am working on expatriation and the change of identities related to motherhood, together with the presence or absence of a trait: a highly reactive nervous system (HSP Dr. Elaine Aron). And the way you describe yourself fits my hypothesis in so many ways!
Thank you for sharing.
I am contacted you to help me out with my Ph.D. Please do!
Thank you vedy much for this article. I felt so alone after moving “back” to a country that everyone among my family and friends just assumes is my home. In fast I find the place I’m currently in less my home than where I was before. I was worried that I was my truest self back in my previous location and worried that somehow I killed her. One thing that did hit me and I do agree with is the going back comment and not having it be the same anymore. I have lived in Japan twice now in my life (same location I mentioned earlier) and the culture is so different from mine. But I felt so at home there. I keep wanting to go back. My friends did change the second time I went there since I lived in a different city. But I do think that it may not be 100% the same but we can still feel that sense of belonging once again. I wonder if you could elaborate on this? Thanks
sorry for the spelling mistakes:
very*
In fact*
This is 100% who I am, how I feel. You put it all in such nice words, I don’t think I would have been able to express myself as the feelings, the overall attachment to this kind of life was to me not expressable to others. I am so glad you did, and after 23 years of being an expat, 9 countries, I thought the place I am now will be forever. But it’s been nearly 3 years, and I have itchy feet again. Though I now want to call the place I am in now my new Home, I am ready to move on to the next country… I might prove you wrong about “never go back to a place you’ve already been” as I might have to move back to where it all started 23 years ago… Stay tuned!
Beautifully written. I haven’t lived in seven countries, seven states though and this current one…oh boy! I just cannot stand Colorado. It’s been 15 months and we have already made plans to move to Florida in December. The ocean. I cannot be this far from an ocean, all the oceans. At least If not more than a thousand miles in every direction. What a landlocked nightmare. I am hoping to find a place where I belong, but I might be like you, we shall see as time unfolds. I just know I need the ocean. Any ocean. I just need to be close to it. I need it there. I need to be on the edge of a place. Maybe that too, relates to my personality.
Hi Lucille, just when I thought I was going slightly mad and was the only one who felt this way – you hit the nail on the head! I literally feel like I leave a piece of me everywhere I go, or maybe I take a piece of it with me… It is always sad to leave and move on but at the same time such an incredible urge to do so. I moved my children to lots of different houses (in the same country) but then started teaching internationally after they left home. I agree that not all places are a good fit and the one I’m in now may not be…it’s true your personality changes slightly due to your surroundings. Recently I’ve been thinking about settling somewhere but just maybe one more move…!
Didn’t move home as a child. Didn’t move out of my hometown until I was 30, then moved 12 times in 10 years for various reasons, with children and animals, initially moving was stressful, after the 5th move I became an expert at relocating. Stayed put for about 8 years but eventually itchy feet drove me to uproot again. Now living abroad but 3 years down the line the urge to roam is biting hard. I love my current home, my rural lifestyle, my friends and neighbours, so I searched for an option that satisfies my wanderlust. My husband and I will buy a small place the other side of the European continent, saddle up the horses and packhorse and routinely ride between the 2 places taking different routes each time. Hopefully that should be enough to scratch the itch!
Very well written. You are a great writer Lucille & I am glad you wrote this. I needed to read this at this exact time in my life. Maybe to reassure myself I am not crazy, completely indifferent or alone. I moved home with my Mother & Brother 6 times before I was 13yrs old. Finally settling with my grandparents for 6 years until I finished school at the age of 18. My Grandparents home was the only true Home I have ever had. Since the age of 18 I have moved homes 42 times throughout 18 cities & towns in the past 19 years. All in the one country. Due to my University schooling, the army, my business’s & nature of work. I have now changed careers & can work anywhere in the world I choose. I have applied for dual cotizenship in one other country & am applying for PR leading to a 3rd citizenship in another country & I am currently planning out how I will live between 5 countries per year over the next 3-5 years starting in Aug21 if that is even possible with the state of the world. The more I plan, the more I write down all the pros & cons of every country I have either travelled to before & research countries I am yet to visit or live in & the more I dig for the perfect place/s to live in. The more I come to realise nowhere is perfect. Nowhere has everything you ideally want or need at this moment in your life. The one & only thing I do realise is that wherever you have family, friendship, connection and most importantly, Love. That is where you can find contentment, peace & your home. You spoke about a sense of belonging. This is a basic human need imo. Physically present connection. Rare now in our modern society. Especially since the boom in 21st century technology. Maybe it is unresolved childhood issues or we are looking for greener grass. In my case when my grandparents died. The greatest unconditional Love I have ever experienced in my life also went with them. Yes the memories, teachings & lessons are still thankfully with me. But there is a void I want to fill. I also believe that people like possibly ourselves & everyone who commented above are just born with certain gifts, desires & personality traits. Some of us just don’t understand these and or are trying to still figure ourselves out. In my case I strive for what I percieve as success. Half taught from the world but deeper, an inner desire to accomplish and succeed. I have these mountains in front of me. I think once I have conquered them I will somehow settle down amd feel more complete so I work as hard as I can to climb them. Once achieved they don’t seem that impressive anymore & now I’m focused on the next mountain or goal. It can feel liek a blessing or a curse depending on how you want to view the world. You wonder why you can’t just be content like those people over there. They seem so basically happy & content in a life that I feel I would probably go mad in if I even tried to live it. My friend ise to always say to me. “If you can’t learn how to be happy today, you won’t be happy after you win that grammy award”. “It won’t change your life completely”, “you’ll still have to get up the next day & do the dishes or make your bed”. “You will still be the same human being”. He’s probably right. He’s right in a way. But One thing I do know is that when I am on a motorbike in vietnam I feel so alive & free. But after a few months I can’t wait to be lying on a clean, peaceful beach in the Greek islands. Then I get bored & visit my mother back in Australia, spend some time with family & friends. Then I want to be dining outdoors at 1am in Argentina, checking beofre knuckling down into my work in Paraguay, riding all the way up tthrough colombia then Getting back into some work by the beach in Panama, Costa Rica & Nicaragua. Celebrating life & attending conferences with friends in Mexico. Skiing in Niseko & shopping in Tokyo. Enjoying the best beer in the world in Munich, hiking through the mountains in Switzerland. Popping into Serbia for work/pleasure before visiting family & friends back in Greece. Searching for future investment properties while in Dubai. Visiting friends & getting more work done back in KL. Then doing the same thing all over agin. Until I change my plans & aim for different Goals. Maybe we are just citizens of the world. Destined to explore, travel & adventure. Hopefully helping others & being a light in peoples lives along the way. Becoming more innovative, morally driven, compassionate & most importantly as we grow becoming more loving humans beings. Loving oursleves more so we can love others better.