I’ve moved enough times to know that one of the most important factors to creating a happy life in a new country is making friends. In each country I’ve lived in there has been one person, one kick-ass connected mama who has taken me under her wing, introduced me to her fabulous friends, and opened up my social life. These women are still my closest friends to this day.

But the process of finding your tribe, creating a connection that blossoms into a lifelong friendship can be fraught with false-starts, mismatches, and a helluva lot of putting yourself out there. It is, in fact, remarkably similar to dating!

Here are some parallels I’ve noticed from my six international moves:

1. She stands out from the crowd.

You notice her across a crowded playground, there’s something about her that grabs your attention. Maybe her finesse stands out: she’s expertly wrangling her kids in her sky high Jimmy Choos with a Balenciaga bag on her arm. Or maybe (and more likely) she’s dressed in sweats, desperately clinging to a cup of coffee whilst one child wails stranded at the top of the tallest slide, and the other is gleefully shoveling handfuls of sand down his nappy. You can hear she is foreign. Potential expat friend alert!

You try to catch her eye, but she’s focused on her coffee, then her kids, then her coffee again. And then, as if by divine guidance, your kid throws sand into her kid’s face. You rush over apologizing profusely yet doing an inner fist-pump that your kid broke the ice. You’re in! It’s the start of a beautiful friendship.

2. You might need to play hard to get.

This entirely depends on your culture and hers. Americans tend to rush in, give it their all from the get-go. Swedes take their time beginning a new friendship, and if you don’t play hard to get they’ll all but tell you you’re coming on too strong! The Dutch are stand offish at first, but warm up after a while. If you happen to be from the same country or have a shared culture, things are a little easier, but usually being an expat/fish-out-of-water is enough to bond you from the beginning.

3. Be casual at first.

Meet up for a coffee in a public place. Go for a run together (exercise is a great ice-breaker). If that goes well, arrange a play-date with the kids. Grab a bite to eat one evening. Invite them over for a BBQ so your husbands can meet. Before you know it, you’ll be texting non stop and popping over for coffee unannounced.

Get the husbands together.

4. She might be seeing someone else.

If you have just arrived in your new country and she has been there for some time, she will already have a network of friends, and you’ve got to respect that. Let her be free. Don’t be possessive. Don’t Facebook-stalk her and get all offended when she doesn’t invite you to every gathering she attends. She had a life before you after all!

5. You’ve got to pass the ‘friends test’.

Getting along with her friends will help cement your friendship. If her friends are as cool as she is, you’ll have a ready-made social life. But remember, you are totally awesome too so be yourself and don’t try too hard. You’re not looking for approval, just a seamless slotting in with like-minded people.

If her friends become your friends, you’ll have a ready-made social life

6. Sometimes you have to walk away.

You may have hit it off in the beginning, you may like her friends and they might like you, but something is off. You don’t click as well as you thought you did. Maybe she’s a bit of an energy sucker, maybe she’s a bit negative about the country or its people. Don’t stick it out just because you’re new and a bit lonely. The right one is out there, you just have to work a bit harder to find her.

7. You’ll become like family.

If you do click and a friendship blossoms, you’ll love each other like family. Expat friendships tend to be more intense than other friendships. There are two reasons for this: firstly, there is usually a geographical expiration date on your friendship. You have to make the most of your time together before one (or both) of you leave for your next posting, or return home. Secondly, in the absence of family, friends become your family. Your expat friends will help you through times of sorrow, they’ll be there to share your joy, they’ll support you when you have a baby, they’ll be an endless source of wisdom and offer their unique perspective. Expat friends are the family you can choose, so choose wisely.

Expat friends become like family

8. The time will come when you have to say goodbye.

It’s heartbreaking and so so sad, but it’s the reality of expat life. The time will come when you have to part ways. It’s a mutual split. A conscious uncoupling, to quote Gwyneth. You’ll part on the best of terms and treasure your friendship forever. Sometimes you’ll be the one leaving, sometimes you’ll be the one staying. Leaving is probably easier, but you’ll both feel the void.

9. Long distance isn’t the same.

You Skype every week. You huddle around the computer and jostle with your kids for a few snatched sentences. The internet connection is terrible, you put on a brave face, try to sound upbeat, but she knows it’s not the same because she feels it too. The distance between you cannot be negotiated. Long distance relationships suck.

Friends become family

10. You don’t want to move on, but you have to.

You’ll feel that no-one will ever measure up to the friend you just left behind. She’s irreplaceable, so why even try to meet new people? Yes, she is irreplaceable, but your happiness in your new home depends on finding new friends, and yes, even a new bestie. You’ll feel guilty for moving on, like you’re being unfaithful, but she’ll understand. She has to move on too.

Reunions are fantastic!

Have you had to leave an expat bestie behind?