“I’ve had enough. Please can we go home?” This is my pleading refrain after about three years in a location. It’s a common one I know, uttered by countless expats far from home, struggling to come to terms with a new unfamiliar reality. The nature of being an expat means that you press the reset button every three years, you reboot your life. After a while that reboot becomes spontaneous, and you can feel it coming. It’s ‘The Thritch’: the three year itch. Not Papa B though. He remains impervious to life’s ripples, gliding along, all impervious and unrippled. After fifteen years together I still find it strange. So, yes, it’s always my plaintive cry, to go home, to pack it all in instead of pack it all up…again.
Do I really want to go home…?
Is ‘home’ better?
The possibility is always there. To call it quits. To put down roots. To build a life with more than a three year shelf life. But do I really want the expat bubble to burst? Our home country is England. Glorious, miserable England. Land of magical countryside where it never stops raining; of inspiring country estates but where the average house is the size of my lounge; where cutting edge creativity meets repressed traditionalism. So when the expat ride peters out, it’s back ‘home’ to Blighty we go.
I love the idea. And because moving ‘home’ is always a possibility, I do my homework: I research schools, trawl through hundreds of Ofsted Reports noting down all those that rate ‘Outstanding’; I read articles titled “Top Twenty Commuter Hotspots”, “Commuting From London: the best places to buy” and “Start Your Dream Life in the Country” in the hope of discovering the holy grail of: period property, village location, Outstanding school, one hour commute from London, and remotely affordable. Well, of course you can kiss goodbye to that last one. Even if we sold both our South African properties, ate baked beans on toast for a year, and sold one of our kids to the circus (I suspect Pitter-Patter S would go willingly anyway), we couldn’t remotely even begin to afford to emulate the standard of living we enjoy in South Africa (think spacious properties, swimming pools, nannies, cleaners, reliable weather etc). And so as I trawl through semi-detached council houses, soulless new builds, and matchbox sized cottages whose catchment area school rates ‘Requires Improvement’, my heart begins to sink, and I struggle to remember why I want to go ‘home’.
Repatriation is a big deal.
It’s actually as big a deal as being expatriated. Most people I know who have moved back to their home countries go through the Repat Blues.
But here’s the thing: the Repat Blues are sneaky.
You don’t expect them to happen. You’ve been dreaming, fantasizing, and ‘what-iffing’ about home since you left all those years ago. You’ve elevated Home to the mythical proportions of El Dorado where buying cotton undies from Marks and Sparks gets you almost as excited as the prospect of finding a city of gold. There are many many repatriation experts who write about how to adjust, how to help your third-culture kids cope, how to find the magic when everything feels mundane, and the common thread running through it all is that going home is hard, and that repatting requires the same support as expatting.
As expats I think it’s in our nature to constantly court change, to dream about the next adventure, to have permanently itchy feet. It sounds weird but that terrifying feeling of vulnerability, the thrill at completing the most mundane tasks in the face of language barriers and culture shock, and the shattering of comfort zones is absolutely addictive. But when we go home those thrills are banished, and often the sense of familiarity, security and comfort of home just leaves us feeling flat. Experts advise us to seek out other repats, to share our experiences, to unite in support, but sometimes that’s pretty hard to do. And so we feel foreign in our own land, isolated in our sameness, and as we look around we realize that we are strange, that we don’t match. Our experiences don’t match. Our worldviews don’t match. Maybe our religions no longer match either.
Nothing has changed but everything is different.
And so we retract, we start to shield that part of us that is different, we feel painfully self conscious about starting a story with, ‘when we lived in…’ or ‘when we traveled to…’, we try to fit in, to become ‘normal’ again.
Our view in Durban: could we really leave this behind?
It’s true, we’ll lose much when we leave South Africa. Never wearing shoes. Guaranteed sunshine. Swimming pools. Big houses. The effervescent South African spirit. Monkeys helping themselves from the fruit bowl. Could I really give up the monkeys? But I want my boys to experience being children in England, to fall in love with England’s unique natural world, to revel in her history, admire her buildings, immerse themselves in her literature, complain about her weather. But when the expat bubble bursts, will I spend my life trying to stick the pieces back together?
Will I want to redouble the bubble?
Advice is abounding: ‘England is not the same as it was in the 80’s’, ‘life is hard here’, ‘you’ll lose your financial freedom’, ‘you’ll want to escape the constant grey sky hanging over your head’. OK, so that’s a ‘no’ then? Thing is, my mum is there, my closest childhood friends are there, my childhood heart is there. And how is it different from the 80’s? OK sure, security is more of an issue now, and the cost of living has risen.
But are there still forests?
Do trees still shed their leaves in autumn?
Do snow drops, bluebells and daffodils still signal the end of winter?
Do bumblebees still buzz fat and lazy amongst purple foxgloves?
Do jets still blaze silent vapour trails across blue summer skies at nine o’clock in the evening?
Do conkers still grow on horse-chestnut trees, their green spiky husks splitting open in anticipation?
Do National Trust houses still open their gardens for sticky-jam scone picnics?
Do museums still do ‘Night at the Museum’ sleepovers?
Can you still go on a Gruffalo hunt?
Play Pooh-sticks at 100 Acre Wood?
That’s all that matters to a child.
And so we give ourselves over to Providence, to the Universe, to the law of Positive Attraction, because there is no right or wrong decision. Whether we continue on our expat adventures or settle down in a 30’s semi dining on baked beans, we’re still together on the wonderful journey of Life.
I love this post. Beautifully written. It’s the first time I’ve come across your blog so I’ll take a look around. You really paint the picture well. I have to say sunshine, pool and lots of space does sound very appealing to the one who is still in the UK. Lucy@bottlefor2
Thanks so much Lucy!
This is one of the reasons I want to stay. It may not be perfect but it is to me. My family are a huge factor even though I rarely get to see them. And if we did have a bigger house and nicer weather would I ever want to give it up.
As an expat who left ‘home’ twenty odd years ago you are so right but the ride has been great. Yes I’ve experienced the glazed over look that appears when you talk to family and friends about your experiences living abroad. Who have very little or no concept of what you are talking about but I’ve also met some fascinating people and had incredible experiences. My children learnt to ski like locals as they went on winter ski camps and tramped in the outback for a weeks school camping trips. We’ve visited the arctic circle and seen the midnight sun and snorkelled on the Great Barrier Reef. My kids have school friends from all over the world that they met at International schools and are now high achievers in their chosen careers. Will we be going ‘home’? No. We don’t share the same experiences with our families and we have found a better life. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
That’s exactly it, we experience so much, but in order to do so we leave so much behind. I wouldn’t do anything differently though! Sounds like you wouldn’t either 😉
Home is where your family and friends are, no matter what or where you live in! I am South African and left 28 years ago. I miss it like crazy but have settled well in Asia and that is home to us now – plenty of friends and our family around us. Will always yearn for Africa though as it is in my blood but to bring a young family up there will not be easy in the future due to the mess Zuma is making of the place!
Loved your blog – and relate to it completely. Although coming from Australia – and being expats in Papua New Guinea, and Jakarta, is a little different to South Africa. But the best thing was the friends we made – from all over the world.
And we now have a son living in Cornwall with his English wife – we have made our children very mobile!!
Wow Papua New Guinea! You must have some stories to share! For sure, SA is very different from Asia. We lived in Vietnam and Thailand, and definitely the best part of moving around has been the people we’ve met, from far and wide.
It’s so nice to read your thoughts on the expats life. First you made me consider England for our next potential move… than you lost me with the grey weather 🙂
I’d like to share a bit of my ‘coming home’ experience.
My husband and I grew up here, went to school and university.. have our childhood friends and lived with this weather most of our lifes. However, in my specific experience all I can say is that comfort and weather has won me over so quickly and deeply that even being an expat for the last 10 years were enough to spoil ‘home’ for me…
I have almost nothing in common with childhood friends anymore other than memory lane conversations.
The every day grey sky is killing me and bringing out the worst in me! the Intolerance and narrow minded people around me here bring less than joy into my day to day life.
As you can see, I am ready to pack our things and get the hell out of here…hahaha!
Allthough I want to leave I think back and wonder if I had never been an expat wouldn’t I become a happier person. Sometimes not knowing makes you happier with what you have, don’t you think?
I think when we make the decision to leave our homes, we close the door on them forever in a way. They will never be the same because we will never be the same. It’s so bitter-sweet because how can you not want to travel and live in our big world? But then you come home and everything you thought you knew suddenly seems smaller and not so important, and kind of not enough anymore. But I don’t think not knowing is better, because the point to this all is to LIVE, and to live means to grow and feel pain and joy and regret and excitement all the time. I know you feel the same 🙂
As an expat who has taken the plunge and gone home, only to return four years later, I get this. However, I also know from experience that the green, green grass of home is actually not so vibrant, and that England’s faults far outweigh its positives (and this is from a bona fide, love England until I drop kind of girl). England will always be my home; always. However, I also have a second home, one that is better for me, and more importantly, my children. That’s why I have no plans to ever return to the UK!
Yes I think you are right, there probably are better places in the world than England. But I’d like to live there again some day. I guess the pull will always be there 🙂
Maybe it is because I did feel that pull and after living in Sweden several years, we moved back to the UK, only to return five years later! This time, I no longer have a yearning for England but it will always be “home”!
320 days a year of sunshine is hard to give up let me tell you! I had to be dragged kicking and screaming to Durban after 6 years in HK but you can’t beat 320 days a year of sunshine. 3 years later I very regretfully gave it up for 180 days of the yellow rays in Atlanta. Still miss the sunshine, lifestyle and the people, but definitely not the monkeys.
Home is always there we say. One day we definitely need to stay there a bit longer so the kids don’t think it is just a holiday destination, and so they can say G’day properly and some other stuff.
Oh man am I going to miss SA!! It’s just so blooming far away from the rest of the world!! We are seriously going to miss the lifestyle here, I just hope we can all adjust to wherever we find ourselves next. xx
I’ve just found your blog and will have a look around. Love the way you’ve written this. That feeling of itchy feet is such a thrill, I get it every two years and have been 10 years an expat now, I love England but don’t know if it could ever be home for us we are just too different now. But we don’t have children and that would make a huge difference, maybe you could go and be expats in a different part of Britain for a couple of years? Thanks for sharing
Thank so much for reading my blog! Kids do impact hugely on where we choose to live. After 3 years in glorious South Africa I can’t see us squashing back into an apartment in a grey country. But, there is always a compromise to be made: have a fabulous outdoor lifestyle on the tip of Africa, or deal with the grey weather but have world class museums, concerts, festivals etc on your doorstep. I’m still deciding which is better 🙂
Beautiful blog. When I left the US, I knew I would never go back. I still love the Boston of my memories, but I’ve put down new roots. When I was asked about giving up my American nationality (which I later did because I had a choice of being able to bank or be American) I said I was like a plant. My roots would always be New England Yankee. However, I had new roots that were longer. If you cut off those new roots, the plant would die because the old roots were too shallow to contain the new enlarged plant. But if you cut off the original roots, the plant would die also because there would be no roots at all from which to feed. The roots in all place nourished the plant letting it grow into what it was meant to be.
Wise words. Thanks so much for reading 🙂
Hello Lucille,
Thanks for your blog. You write beautifully. I’ve lived in Aruba and Curacao for 11 years and now I just got back to my roots (Delft) after 4 years in France.
We’ll see what live has in store next 🙂
I’ve send you a message, which is in your “other” folder in Facebook, since we’re not (yet) friends.
Please have a look and reply if possible.
Kind regards, Marleen
hi! I’ve just found your blog – it’s great. We are new expats but living locally in the USA so the bubble has not worn off yet. I felt your post really captured how I feel though about home (except the grey skies)….. I’m not sure how I’ll feel if / when we get moved along, but I do feel like I’m in limbo here.
Thanks so much for your comment Bee, and thanks for reading the blog! I guess the limbo part wears off eventually, but then you get moved on again! All the best to you xx