Living abroad can feel like a time out from your life. How many of us have made the decision to move to a new country, perhaps giving up our careers in the process, and said, ‘it’s only for two to three years’, ‘I’ll take a career break’, ‘It’ll be good for my partner’s career’? But two years turns into four, and then you move again and it becomes six, and before you know it a decade has passed and you realize you’ve been on hold the entire time.
I think this is an aspect of living abroad we need to talk about more: as expat partners we are often on hold and we don’t even know it. How can we not realize this? We’re educated, intelligent, independent women (and men). I call it the Expat Trap, and so far I’ve identified three main elements: perceived time limit, an eclipse of purpose, and victim mode. These elements are all linked and feed off each other, creating a space of limbo or passivity which effectively equates to pressing pause on your life.
Perceived time limit
We move abroad already thinking ‘this will not be forever.’ ‘We’ll be gone for two years.’ What’s two years? Nothing, it goes by in a flash. We switch our brains into temporary mode which re-frames everything. With each of our seven international moves I have felt the pressure of time. Too short to start anything, too long not to. That pressure can be paralyzing.
So, what’s the answer? For me, it’s to take Time out of the equation. Instead of viewing my life as little chunks of time in many different places I switched to looking at my life as a continuum, one long story that happens to play out in multiple locations. The story continues even when the place changes. In business terms this has meant building a business beyond borders, a portable career that can move with me. More and more accompanying partners are combating the issue of ‘not enough time’ in a location by creating geographically independent businesses. There are many resources available if you’re thinking of building a portable career abroad. Check out Katharina’s workbook at www.sharethelove.blog and tune in to Amel’s Tandem Nomads podcast.
Even if you are only on a short term assignment, the message is to use that time wisely. Be proactive with it. Don’t press pause on your life because Life still happens when you’re abroad! You may choose to learn a new language, go back to studying, take up a new hobby, become a runner or start a portable business, whatever it is don’t let the fallacy of the perceived time limit stop you.
An eclipse of purpose
This is a huge one for me! It goes like this: moving abroad makes you busy! Super busy. And it feels good. You feel like you’re in control, that a full diary means a full life. You’re busy settling in, making sure the kids are happy, socializing, creating a life, learning a language, picking up the culture. Perhaps you found a part time job and even though it’s not what you really want to be doing, it keeps you occupied which is better than doing nothing, right? Wrong. We need to take the time to settle, absolutely, but somewhere, somehow our busyness overshadows our purpose. Or we mistake our busyness for purpose. And the longer we are immersed in being busy, the less we achieve for ourselves. Being busy feels good, it feels like momentum, but I would say it’s more like treading water, and treading water for years only leads to resentment and frustration.
When an eclipse of purpose combines with the perceived time limit, we are in danger of losing our way, at least in terms of creating fulfillment for ourselves abroad. We think, ‘there’s not enough time so I’ll just do whatever comes along’, but in the long run (and especially if you end up living abroad for many years) you wake up one day and realize you’ve not been following your true purpose, and where did all that time go anyway? Sundae Schneider-Bean has a great podcast called Expat Happy Hour, and also runs a Facebook group called Expats On Purpose which is a wonderful community of expat spouses discovering and connecting with their purpose.
Victim mode
This sounds quite harsh and can be softened to ‘reactive mode.’ We can often feel like life in a foreign country is happening to us and when we feel this way we lose our power. Feeling foreign and the constant stress of living outside our comfort zones can cause us to see obstacles instead of opportunities. In other words we become reactive instead of proactive. I have written before about how expats have all the innate characteristics of entrepreneurs, and I challenge you to treat your expat life as you would your business. Build relationships, be daring, take risks, be innovative and proactive. Don’t allow the overwhelm to get the better of you. You are absolutely in control of your experience abroad, so don’t press pause on being a bad ass!
Don’t press pause
A challenge of living abroad is keeping your wits about you, especially emotionally. I think many of us put ourselves stone last, we prioritize everyone else and figure if they’re happy, we’ll be happy. And when we inevitably encounter the three elements of the Expat Trap we often fail to recognize them. We allow perceived time limits to limit our commitment, we fall into the trap being busy instead of purposeful, and we give in to the stresses of expat life and become reactive instead of proactive, seeing obstacles instead of opportunities.
Please don’t press pause on your life because you feel out of place. Don’t hang back because you are new. Don’t put your dreams on hold because your environment is different. Don’t allow your foreignness to crush your identity. You are still you. Your talents, your dreams, your abilities, your achievements, they’re all still there, let them shine.
Yes, yes, yes!
Glad it resonated with you Catriona!
Brilliant!!!
Thank you!
Good job making it to look so “crystal clear”! It takes a long time to realize you’re in pause (only a part of you!). 👏👏
For sure Julia, and actually its anything but clear when you’re in the thick of it. Thanks for reading!
Very good read. Thanks for the advice!
You’re welcome! Thanks for reading xx
Definitely feeling like this resonates with me. 4.5 years in Europe, 10 in Asia, 4 near Arctic Circle and we are looking at moving again but waiting for that call… Thanks for sharing.
This is absolutely spot on. So many lives paused. So much talent wasted.
Good stuff, now to Press “Play”!
I’m ‘guilty’ of this. Our one year turned into 18 and counting. Kids are now out of the nest, and I’ve let my purpose go focussing on others’ needs for so long that I have to start fresh again. I kept busy and sacrificed career progression, which then makes it hard to find a ‘job’. You put it very nicely, and it’s a good reminder. Thanks.
Rings very true for me-you have captured the journey offering real tips and the traps all of us have been in finding your own happiness is key. Take control and grow where you are planted!
Your article Is the mirror of my expat life 17 years and passed through all described periods , most significant to me is
be proactive and get out of the victim mode. Yes ,yes, yes. Thank you .
I like to call myself and family “ homeless deluxe “
Homeless Delux, I like that Sylvie! I’m glad the article resonated with you! xx
Absolutely right. What started as a 3 yr assignment in my birth country, kept us out of home for nearly two decades in 5 cities. My son was educated mostly in international schools and kids lived thousands if miles away at home when they were in uni. I just can’t take away the wonderful experience, I feel I can face any challenge but happy to back at home living near the kids now.
After a lifetime of living round the world, first as a child and then as an adult, this resonates with me (and would also, no doubt, with my mother). But what to do when you bring all that knowledge, experience, and pro-active energy into the (only available) lowish-grade job, and your co-workers think ‘that foreign b— thinks she knows better than us’? In under-developed areas it’s hard not to come across as an overpowering, pushy, empire-builder, bent on taking someone’s job away, when all you’re trying to do – from your lowly position – is to get people to try someting new. Just saying – tread softly on their dreams. Sometimes it’s all they have!
Absolutely!! It’s been passed 10 years now, felt I hit a wall when I came to this country, marriage brought me here. Now I want to do so much for all of us expats for e.g. music, Food, Culture, pets etc. would like to team up and make this a reality. Send me a message on mviegas1669@gmail.com with subject “Team Expats” if you would love to do something for the greater good of us all. Hope to hear from you. Have an awesome weekend!!!
Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one without stars in my eyes about the expat life. It’s reassuring that, not only am I not alone, but there is light at the end of the tunnel :).
Thank you, I need to be reminded not to be on pause but to reinvent my life in a sustainable and portable way..
Thank you for reading Anne! xx
For me, moving away from my career in the UK to go abroad with my family (teacher husband) was a breath of fresh air. I have recreated myself, trained as a teacher, about to finish my MA in Counselling and have opened my private counselling practice in Thailand! I saw the move as something full of opportunities and the option to start again, building on my previous knowledge. I think it depends on how you react, how you fit in, how you view yourself. Yes, it is not easy to be abroad at times but it is full of adventures and new opportunities as well.
I love your attitude Stephanie! Absolutely, moving abroad is full of opportunities and possibilities. That’s what I love about it. I think you probably have a go-getter, entrepreneurial mindset and thrived on the chance to build something for yourself. I totally admire that. Its vital for success abroad. All the best! xx P.s Where do you live in Thailand? We were in BKK for 2.5 years. Would move back in a flash!
I think I am guilty of doing this in reverse. I do this while living in the USA. As if I’m an Expat here when I’m technically not. I’m a TCK. Passport country is USA and that’s where I’ve mainly lived since college. I’ve spent chunks of time overseas since but keep looking for something longterm internationally.
Thanks for your comment Demerey. I think growing up as a TCK often (but not always) means that you will always have a connection and desire to connect internationally. Have you read the book Third Culture Kids by Ruth van Reken and David Pollack? They talk extensively about how TCKs often yearn to go back overseas when they become adults. xx
This is beautifully written, with depth, feelings, clarity and generosity. I truly enjoyed it.
Thank you Lucille.
You are very welcome Gloria. Thank you for your lovely comment. x