Living abroad can feel like a time out from your life. How many of us have made the decision to move to a new country, perhaps giving up our careers in the process, and said, ‘it’s only for two to three years’, ‘I’ll take a career break’, ‘It’ll be good for my partner’s career’? But two years turns into four, and then you move again and it becomes six, and before you know it a decade has passed and you realize you’ve been on hold the entire time.

I think this is an aspect of living abroad we need to talk about more: as expat partners we are often on hold and we don’t even know it. How can we not realize this? We’re educated, intelligent, independent women (and men). I call it the Expat Trap, and so far I’ve identified three main elements: perceived time limit, an eclipse of purpose, and victim mode. These elements are all linked and feed off each other, creating a space of limbo or passivity which effectively equates to pressing pause on your life.

Perceived time limit

 

We move abroad already thinking ‘this will not be forever.’ ‘We’ll be gone for two years.’ What’s two years? Nothing, it goes by in a flash. We switch our brains into temporary mode which re-frames everything. With each of our seven international moves I have felt the pressure of time. Too short to start anything, too long not to. That pressure can be paralyzing.

So, what’s the answer? For me, it’s to take Time out of the equation. Instead of viewing my life as little chunks of time in many different places I switched to looking at my life as a continuum, one long story that happens to play out in multiple locations. The story continues even when the place changes. In business terms this has meant building a business beyond borders, a portable career that can move with me. More and more accompanying partners are combating the issue of ‘not enough time’ in a location by creating geographically independent businesses. There are many resources available if you’re thinking of building a portable career abroad. Check out Katharina’s workbook at www.sharethelove.blog and tune in to Amel’s Tandem Nomads podcast.

Even if you are only on a short term assignment, the message is to use that time wisely. Be proactive with it. Don’t press pause on your life because Life still happens when you’re abroad! You may choose to learn a new language, go back to studying, take up a new hobby, become a runner or start a portable business, whatever it is don’t let the fallacy of the perceived time limit stop you.

An eclipse of purpose

 

This is a huge one for me! It goes like this: moving abroad makes you busy! Super busy. And it feels good. You feel like you’re in control, that a full diary means a full life. You’re busy settling in, making sure the kids are happy, socializing, creating a life, learning a language, picking up the culture. Perhaps you found a part time job and even though it’s not what you really want to be doing, it keeps you occupied which is better than doing nothing, right? Wrong. We need to take the time to settle, absolutely, but somewhere, somehow our busyness overshadows our purpose. Or we mistake our busyness for purpose. And the longer we are immersed in being busy, the less we achieve for ourselves. Being busy feels good, it feels like momentum, but I would say it’s more like treading water, and treading water for years only leads to resentment and frustration.

When an eclipse of purpose combines with the perceived time limit, we are in danger of losing our way, at least in terms of creating fulfillment for ourselves abroad. We think, ‘there’s not enough time so I’ll just do whatever comes along’, but in the long run (and especially if you end up living abroad for many years) you wake up one day and realize you’ve not been following your true purpose, and where did all that time go anyway? Sundae Schneider-Bean has a great podcast called Expat Happy Hour, and also runs a Facebook group called Expats On Purpose which is a wonderful community of expat spouses discovering and connecting with their purpose.

Victim mode

 

This sounds quite harsh and can be softened to ‘reactive mode.’ We can often feel like life in a foreign country is happening to us and when we feel this way we lose our power. Feeling foreign and the constant stress of living outside our comfort zones can cause us to see obstacles instead of opportunities. In other words we become reactive instead of proactive. I have written before about how expats have all the innate characteristics of entrepreneurs, and I challenge you to treat your expat life as you would your business. Build relationships, be daring, take risks, be innovative and proactive. Don’t allow the overwhelm to get the better of you. You are absolutely in control of your experience abroad, so don’t press pause on being a bad ass!

Don’t press pause

 

A challenge of living abroad is keeping your wits about you, especially emotionally. I think many of us put ourselves stone last, we prioritize everyone else and figure if they’re happy, we’ll be happy. And when we inevitably encounter the three elements of the Expat Trap we often fail to recognize them. We allow perceived time limits to limit our commitment, we fall into the trap being busy instead of purposeful, and we give in to the stresses of expat life and become reactive instead of proactive, seeing obstacles instead of opportunities.

Please don’t press pause on your life because you feel out of place. Don’t hang back because you are new. Don’t put your dreams on hold because your environment is different. Don’t allow your foreignness to crush your identity. You are still you. Your talents, your dreams, your abilities, your achievements, they’re all still there, let them shine.

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