Repatriation is like breast feeding. It’s the silent aspect of expat life that no-one really knows they need to prepare for…until they’re in the thick of it going ‘WHAT THE ****?!’
Much like having a baby, all the focus of moving abroad is put on the birth phase: how to live in a foreign country, how to survive the painful process of expatriation with minimal pain, how to roll with the punches when wave after wave of excruciating culture shock knocks the breath out of you.
And then, when it’s all over, it’s time to head home with your little bundle of expat life memories and the knowledge that your life has been changed forever. It’s then that we realize just how unprepared we are.
We focus so much on how to be expats, but ignore how to be repats.
I repatriated to South Africa after twelve years abroad. I had left as an eager twenty-two year old, ready to take on the world. Life had led me to London, Saigon, Bangkok and Istanbul, and by the time I returned to South Africa I had a husband and two children to show for my adventures.
I was woefully unprepared for re-entry. I naively assumed that repatriation would be much easier than expatriation. I was so wrong, and I suffered because of my lack of preparation. But like I said, repatriation, like breast feeding a new baby, is the silent aspect no-one prepares you for. The thought never even crossed my mind that it would be difficult.
I thought returning home would be natural. What I learned is that it takes practice, patience and perseverance.
Here are some observations about repatriation that were particularly relevant to me.
- Nothing had changed, but everything was different.
Places, people, attitudes, they were all the same as they had been when I left. But instead of finding that comforting, instead of slipping back into my old life, I found it profoundly confusing. I had changed, had had experiences to last two lifetimes. But, without me knowing, I had changed too much. The intervening years had swung the pendulum too far, and I realized with sadness and fear that whilst I could go back physically, I never could mentally or emotionally return ‘home’.
2. I built the idea of ‘Home’ into something it could never live up to.
All those years missing my family. All those years fantasizing about having childhood friends around the corner. All those years pining for warmer weather, cooler weather, more greenery, less traffic, something, anything more familiar. I let them crowd my mind, exaggerate what I thought I wanted. And then when I had it, reality smacked me in the face because none of it felt how I dreamed it would. Of course it was wonderful to have family closer, but life plods on and the novelty of joyous reunions gave way to busy schedules and postponed get-togethers. Home was not what I thought it would be.
3. I took expat life for granted.
As the rose tinted hue of home faded, I realized with deep regret that I had either taken much of my life abroad for granted, or even worse, wished much of it away. I thought of all the times I had ‘checked-out’ of my life because I was homesick, or fed up or overwhelmed. And now, when I didn’t have it I missed it terribly and all I could think about were those missed moments when I should have been thankful, but instead was blinded by the challenges.
4. I missed living outside my comfort zone.
Struggling with languages, making uncountable cultural faux-pas a day, getting lost, making friends over and over, feeling immense pride in just getting the groceries done, these were all the things I suddenly missed about expat life. I had started expat life clinging onto the boundaries of my comfort zone, resisting the inevitable pull to venture beyond its cosy confines, hastily patching any breached areas so that my bubble remained intact. But after 12 years and four countries, I had learned to live in the frontier zone, where comfort holds no sway. Once I had repatriated I felt my comfort zone beckoning like a toothless grin, meek and kind of scary.
5. Without being ‘foreign’ I’m not that interesting.
For twelve years I had been unique. Well, in my mind anyway! In the expat world people care about where you are from, where you have travelled, what you have seen. Expats are innately curious about other cultures and nationalities. A dinner with girlfriends was more like a United Nations round-table with many nationalities represented, each person fascinating merely because they came from somewhere different. In South Africa, no-one cared that I was South African! I was no longer a novelty or a source of cultural information. No-one really cared about my stories. My enthusiasm for certain far-flung destinations was met with blank stares. I began to understand that I was more irritating than interesting. I realized with horror that I was, in fact, normal.
6. My lack of identity was actually my identity.
Yeah, that one blew my mind. I have spent my whole life wondering where I fit in and more than a decade wondering where I fit in as an expat. I am South African, born in the UK, with Dutch nationality thrown in for fun and living all over the world. Where was home? Where were my roots? Did I even have roots? What did it mean if I didn’t have roots? These were the questions that coursed through my mind as I tried to cling onto some sort of identity in a foreign country. Once I had repatriated and was back in the bosom of one of my identities, I realized that I didn’t fit there either. I have spent so much time trying to work out where I fit in, and repatriating showed me that I am most comfortable with fitting in nowhere…and everywhere. My non-identity is my identity! Liberating!
7. And finally, I missed the magic.
You know what I mean. The magic. The thrill of waking up in a new city. The addiction of trying new food, encountering new people, of stepping out into a new world every day. The excitement of jetting off to a tropical beach for the weekend. The flipflop feeling in your stomach that you are doing something extraordinary, that you have broken the mold. The hedonism of privilege. I missed that feeling of ‘I can’t believe I’m (insert appropriate expat experience)’.
And then…
After three years of being ‘home’ we were expatriated again, this time to The Netherlands. I keep these realizations with me in case we are repatriated once more, but I suspect that my heart will take the lead, and I’ll fall victim to each and every one again. Just as right now, as I gaze out the window at a cold and grey winters day I find myself longing for the sticky hot days of the South African summer.
Have you repatriated? I’d love to hear your experiences!
I truly love and can identify with every little detail you have pointed out in this one Lucille. I guess now I know how to label my life for the past three years and the constant negative vibe I couldn’t place …I am a repat!!! Thanks for clarifying this for me… 😉
What a lovely comment, thank you! Many of us are unprepared for returning home because we just do not realize how hard it will be.
While we haven’t re-patriated (and have no plans as of right now in the near future), all of these totally hit home on my fear of going back home! Loved this post!
Thanks Julie! Yes, going home was no walk in the park! I think what took me by surprise was that it was so hard. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I’m an expat again now, and honestly I think it’s easier!
Just (3,5 months) repatriated after 6,5 yrs abroad (India & Singapore)… I can so relate to your points, especially 2,4,5 and 7! I’m now ‘home’ in The Netherlands, although I’ve just lived in this small village for 1 year before we left (got married, moved to husbands village…). It’s ok, but so hard to make new friends. Everyone already knows each other, formed groups etc. As an expat you make friends so easily, have lots of things to talk about. But now it’s much harder. I guess it needs time! I wish you lots of luck and good holidays!! Hopefully with some nice weather too!! (I understand missing the nice weather, sun and warmth!!)
Thank you for your comment Thera! I really struggled with making friends when we moved ‘home’ too. People have their groups and don’t really seem interested in accepting anyone new. You’re still in expat friend making mode, and it just doesn’t work. Good luck to you too!
Thanks for such a wonderful post. After being an expat for four years and having our younger one in the host country, we are back to our home country. Though its not the same city, we lived earlier but still its almost the same. We still are away from friends and family but the process of making new friends in your country seems so daunting. All the points mentioned by you resonates deep in my heart and everyday (its been two months) I have this constant negative and nagging feeling of not belonging. I find daily life mundane and boring as there are no language hassels, no foreign labels to decipher, no food cravings! And people expect you to engage in small talk and are ready to judge you at the drop of a hat. I was happy at the prospect of going back to my own country and start working again. Now, I dont even want to venture out of the house if given a chance. Ah, yes and I miss the magic too….guess this is what repatriation is all about 🙂
Thank you so much for your lovely comment. That’s the thing about moving home right! You think it will all be roses but nothing is as you have imagined. It took me six months to make one friend, and probably a year to start to accept that I was back. Good luck on your repat journey. Keep the magic alive!
Fantastic insights. I’ve repatriated twice , and now back in London as an expat (again). I don’t think it’s possible to “anticipate” repatriation until you are actually living it. My advice to anyone repatriating is read your article NOW, then read it again once you’re home (and over & over again). We all need confirmation that our feelings are legitimate and other repats experience them, too.
Thanks so much Susan! You’re an old hand at repatriation! Was it the same both times? Were you any better prepared? I do suspect that despite knowing what would be waiting for me if we repatriated again, I’d still feel all the things I wrote about again! Scary!
I can identify so well with everything you say Lucille. I remember our return to South Africa in the seventies, in deep Apartheid. Whilst in Manchester, I worked long hours as a nurse whilst my husband studied and having that constant notion of being considered an outsider from darkest Africa. One patient in the geriatric ward where I worked, caused an upset during ‘holy’ doctors rounds one day by saying: Pssst, you from Africa, yes you, come here. Are you not afraid of the lions in the street?
I loved England and my culture shock occurred when we returned home and we found nothing changed. To return to such a stifling political regime of segregation that dominated every aspect of your life was the hardest adjustment I have had to make at that stage of my life. It felt like being put in prison except before it felt like home.
So repatriation was much harder than we could ever imagine and I was homesick for England for a long time and felt like a stranger amongst my ‘own’ people for years. It felt as if my husband was my little island where; the only other person like me.
We are originally from South Africa as well, been living in the UK for 8 years now. We went back for a 5 week holiday and felt most of the things you mentioned. We really don’t belong there any longer. And all the things we thought we missed, Fanta grape, Tempo and Ghost Pops weren’t all that either.
Great post will be sharing it with friends.
Hi Robyn, thanks for your comment! Ja, I think we tend to build ‘home’ up to such an extent that it can never really live up to our expectations once we move back. I still love SA, and my kids ask when we can live there again all the time, but I know now it’s not a bed of roses to move back home…to any country.
Lucille,
Great post! I’m 2 weeks into re-patriating and so many of your points resonate with me. I have to remind myself that not only am I living those realizations, but my 3 young children are too. We are already seeing with our eldest that schoolmates aren’t interested in the stories or what we’ve been up to…..and sometimes harder for kids to recognize the point where the stories annoy….so making new friends can be a challenge and may involve putting those awesome experiences on a shelf for a bit until they can form some new relationships. I had an experience while shopping a few days back – I became acutely aware that I could understand the conversations from all the other shoppers because they were in English and not Dutch (which I could never learn). I had gotten so used to tuning out the dialogs around me and now that I’m home I’m surrounded by so much more noise! Thank you for posting!
Kelli, that’s a really interesting insight into repatriation…more noise!! It’ll take a while to adjust for sure. It’s harder for the kids to hold back so to speak, and it’s a shame too because you don’t want them to suppress their fantastic experiences abroad. Good luck!
After 17 years in the US I moved back to Germany and can totally sign off on everything you have said.
We lived overseas for 10 years and I pined to go home. We have been home for 3 years and I am miserable. All of the things you touched on are so true. We miss the exciting expat life, even the every day was exciting. Sadly, my oldest is happy to be back in our home country so I guess we are stuck. I try to make the best of it by having expat friends.
Exactly Rebecca, keep your international life going at home! It is definitely an adjustment to live without the excitement of the foreign all around, but it sounds like you have the right idea…to bring international elements into your local life. 10 years is a long time to be gone, even if you were pining to go home you would have changed so much in that time. Home can’t possibly be what it once was, you have to make it from scratch. But I know, it’s so hard when you want to be anywhere but there. xx
Thank you for your lovely post! You hit on every point we are experiencing now back in the US from our time in Sweden. We miss our life there SO much. Being back “home” has presented challenge after challenge especially for our teens. We thought our friendships would pick up where they were left only to be devastated when our son especially was dropped by his former bfs. It’s been an up hill battle to adjust to our “new normal” back home. Do you know of any blogs or sites regarding kids repatriating?
Hi Jen, I can empathize with what you are experiencing. Have a look at https://smallplanetstudio.com/
Cate from Small Planet Studio is the co-editor of a book called Arriving Well: Stories about identity, belonging, and rediscovering home after living abroad, it has just launched and it’s a great resource for finding your feet on home soil. You are definitely not alone! Good luck.
Hi Lucille, thanks so much for describing this repat term so well! For the past 10 years I have moved abroad three times, basically spending 2 years abroad, and then 2 years repatriated, and so on up to three times!!! Everything you write is absolutely true (I was unable to put into words my feelings and thoughts, thanks for doing it so well!). In my case the three times I have returned to my country I have felt the same: I wan to leave immediately. The second time I repatriated was perhaps the time I was more positive about it, but it just took some months to feel the same again. Now I am back ¨home¨ since two months and am worrying about being so negative! My instinct is just telling me ¨leave!¨ but having a husband and a baby makes these decisions so mucho more complicated.
I genuinely just cried reading through this. I repatriated to Canada 9 months ago, after 12 years in Southeast Asia. I am profoundly unhappy, and this really brought to surface everything that I’m feeling. #2, #6, and #7 are so real to me. I want to go back to my expat life so badly, but with a wife and child I can no longer make the decision only for myself, so there are some complications there. Thanks for this post – I have bookmarked it when I need a good reminder and a good cry.
I’m so glad this struck a chord with you. Repatriation is challenging, there’s no doubt about it. There are some lovely support groups online and a strong repat community which may help you express how you are feeling. http://www.smallplanetstudio.com and Rock Your Re-entry on FB. All the best xx