I am a trailing spouse…
I follow my husband around the world. We’ve got kids in the mix now too, so I guess we are a trailing family. Like all strong, independent women who ‘follow’ their husband’s, the term ‘trailing spouse’ is one that I wholeheartedly reject. But I can understand why I am called that, because on the surface that’s what I do. I owe my transient, expat lifestyle to my husband and the company he works for.
But just because I follow him physically, should that automatically mean I follow him emotionally or psychologically? And this is why the term ‘trailing spouse’ is so reviled by most expat partners, because it implies a sort of submission, a pathetic relinquishing of power over ones own will or destiny.
We know the truth…
We ‘trailing spouses’ all know that when we decide to give up the familiarity of home, put our rewarding careers on hold, and move to a country where nothing is ‘normal’, where it is up to us to build a life out of nothing, that the very last thing we are doing is trailing.
Yet, for some reason, the label sticks. Like dog poo on the bottom of your shoe: you can’t believe you didn’t see it, you’re mad at yourself for not side-stepping over it, and no matter how hard you wipe your shoe on the grass or clean it with a stick, the faint smell stubbornly lingers.
I suppose we should be grateful that the term ‘expat wife’ seems to have fallen out of favour. With more and more families being propelled around the world by the woman’s career, the need arose for a more a gender-neutral label. Thing is, if I’m going to be falsely categorized and forced to live branded by a ridiculous label that has no relation to my reality what-so-ever, I vote for ‘expat wife’, although the connotations of both are honestly ridiculous. But, I’d rather be thought of as an ‘expat wife’: a privileged, well-travelled, well-dressed, gin-swilling socialite than a ‘trailing spouse’: a dependent, dislocated, self-conscious unemployed woman who exists solely to support her husband in his glorious international career.
The truth is…
We know that we are none of those things, and that sometimes we are all of those things. But to think that we are only those things is a grave mistake.
Yet our economically driven society demands that our worth, our esteem, our very value as people must be measured in terms of income and job status. A woman who chooses to accompany her spouse on an international assignment, who gives up her career goals (or at the very least puts them on hold), who chooses to stay at home with the kids, and who creates a new and secure life out of nothing, is somehow judged by society as being not quite as valued or respected as a woman who is winning in the corporate world. I know because I feel it. I feel it within myself, and I feel it each time I’m referred to as a ‘trailing spouse’ or ‘expat wife’ or even the indulgent and mildly patronizing ‘trailblazing spouse’. I wrote about my personal feelings about being an expat wife in an article titled The Expat Wife Conundrum.
I am a product of our competitive capitalist society, and so my ‘abnormal’ career choices that have been made out of necessity, freak me out too! I’m not at peace with my situation, my lack of career, and no matter how many times I tell myself that it’s life experience that counts, part of me still feels like a failure. And that makes me mad. Mad at society for imposing it’s ridiculous assumptions onto me, and mad at myself for subscribing to those ridiculous assumptions in the first place.
And this is where we, as women who accompany our partners around the world, go wrong. We allow ourselves to be categorized. We allow our self-esteem to be chiseled away, we allow ourselves to be cast in the role of follower, and so we stop being a leader. And we allow this stripping down to happen to us because are taught that our identities lie in what we do, not in who we are.
As expats, our world becomes wider. Our friends are culturally, linguistically and geographically diverse. The women we meet are mothers, lawyers, psychologists, academics, accountants, humanitarians, Oxford graduates, creatives, writers, designers and polyglots. They are giants in spirit and pillars of strength, magnificent in their vulnerability, inspiring in their determination, and they shatter each and every ignorant, insulting and misinformed label that attempts to categorize them.
I’m done fighting
And yet, the labels persist. I, for one, am tired of fighting them, I think we all are. We know that our family’s happiness depends on us. We know that when our husband’s go off to work that it is up to us to figure out how to live, settle the kids, create some degree of normalcy and comfort. We bear the burden of firsts and we negotiate our way through new surroundings, new languages and new cultures.
So if you want to categorize us, go ahead. We are privileged. We do love to travel. Sometimes we drink gin. We are dependent. We do feel dislocated. Our self-esteem does get knocked. But we are also well educated, independent minded and ambitious. We are raising multi-lingual third culture kids who respect and love diversity. We build our lives out of nothing so that when it’s time to move on we have something to leave behind. We are vulnerable yet strong. We are unsure yet bold. We are adventurous and confident, yet sometimes just the thought of going to the supermarket terrifies us. We carve out our lives amidst foreign languages, in spite of culture shock, and despite horrendous traffic jams. We appear to follow but actually lead.
And there’s no label for all that.
How do you feel about being a ‘trailing spouse’?
Picture credit goes to the fabulously talented Estie Thirion Photography
I really enjoyed your article and you make some great points. Personally, I despise the term ‘trailing spouse’ and I think that if we, as expat partners, use it then we can’t expect anyone else to change and you are right that it’s the categorisation that goes with it that chips at our esteem. But the real issue is not the name, nor is it whether or not you are secure in your identity, it’s about the real risks we are taking with our professional, financial and legal futures risks that many of us take without fully understanding. We and our partners need to understand the risks, talk about them and take steps to address them because if we don’t, we leave ourselves vulnerable. I’ve had heartbreaking conversations with widowed or divorced expat partners who have been financially dependent for years and have found out the hard way that the assumptions they made about their financial security and legal rights are misplaced. Beyond financial and legal it’s about making sure our ambitions and aspirations are part of the conversation and that we don’t end up making choices because we feel like we don’t have one. We need to make sure that when we move for our partners’ jobs, there’s opportunity in it for us too. Whether that’s continuing with careers, study, finding other ways to develop new skills, traveling, pursuing hobbies or having time off to look after kids is entirely up to us but it MUST be part of the conversation and it shouldn’t feel like we’re making all the compromises. If we don’t stand up for ourselves financially, legally, professionally and personally, who else will?
Thanks for your comment Evelyn, you are absolutely right in everything you mentioned. Moving around the world with our husbands opens us to huge vulnerability and risk in terms of financial security. I feel it like a silent looming shadow, the uneasy feeling that if the **** hits the fan and my husband is no longer around for whatever reason, my kids and I are right royally screwed. And that is dependence in all it’s glory. On the other hand, I wouldn’t ever stop saying ‘yes’ to the random and exciting opportunities that may still come our way. But sensible conversations and savvy emotional and financial planning is crucial.
Thanks for reading!
Agree. Looking back, I wouldn’t change the moves that we’ve made but with hindsight, there are things we could have done better around financial security and around career. There are actions that can be taken to reduce the risks of financial dependency, but they always involve conversations that many couples prefer to avoid.
Keep writing and photographing – your blog is great.
Thanks Evelyn, it’s a creative outlet, and you know how valuable that is right!! 🙂
Lucille this is a very inspiring, open hearted and beautiful text!
I moved to the U.S with a dependent visa (F-2) when my partner received a scholarship to study. I don’t know if that makes me an expat spouse (I guess it does, by the literal meaning of the word expat). I’ve changed visas and have been studying now for the past three years (first as a non-degree, than as a sitting student, until I was finally able to officially start my masters) – ironically, last May law policies for F-2 visa holders changed, and now studying part-time is allowed. I am now doing my thesis research on social identity and citizenship related to spouses who move with dependent visas (more specifically F-2, M-2 and J-2). It wasn’t until very recently, when I first started contacting spouse groups to recruit participants to the survey, that I found out about terms such as trailing spouse and expat wife. I learned a lot by reading your story!
Hi Elen, thanks for your comment! Your thesis sounds very interesting, especially your research on social identity related to dependent spouses. The terms trailing spouse and expat wife name us, but they don’t define us, and I think that’s why we all reject them. But it also reaches right into the heart of the debate surrounding the role of women who do not have ‘normal’ careers and how we are seen as followers or dependents or indulged expats when in reality we are the ones who keep the show on the road! Good luck with your thesis, I’ve written 2 and it’s hard work!!
Hi Lucille! You are absolutely right and I guess that is the big problem with labels of all sorts. There is so much more to people and their identities than what any label is capable of defining. Thanks for your good luck wishes and keep up the great writing!
I agree totally that this term does not define us but rather the condicion of a life we are Leading.
In true I have pushed my husband into the diplomatic servise after 22years married and he hitting the highest position possible in ministerial public setvice. I just though lets go for it, we love new cultures are very flexible and contemporarie oldies that have accomplished most of our goals so far…
And I take example on other trailing spouses who did manage success besides all our work, yes its a hell of work organizing meetings and travels. July Child and Clarisse Lispector are two I record now!