If you Google ‘help! I’m an expat’

or ‘oh my god, I’m an expat’

or ‘I’m an expat and I’m freaking the hell out!’

you’ll find that you’re not alone. There are literally gazillions of people offering advice on expat survival. There are step by step guides on how to make your expat experience smoother, easier, zen-er. There’s practical advice on what to pack when, how to pack what, when to pack how, and lists oh the endless lists. I love lists, but I revile the Expat Moving List because it doesn’t represent all that needs to be done, it represents all you’ve been putting off for the past three years.

Expat survival

I’ve packed up and started over five times, and the sixth is looming later this year, (better haul out that three year old to do list) and whilst this by no means makes me an expert, I have been able to pick out similar thought patterns, highs and lows, and also what works for me in terms of motivating me to make the most out of wherever I find myself. Now I’m not one to get preachy, I’m a passionate believer in ‘different strokes for different folks’, ‘each to their own’, and ‘paint your rainbow in your own colours’ so please read these observations as ‘this is what worked for me’ rather than ‘you should do this’. OK?

1. Be prepared to shatter your comfort zones. Your old life has ended, and your new life takes a while to really take off. Nothing will be the same again. That’s scary. But try to focus on creating something fabulous. Your expat survival mode will kick in, and you’ll learn how resourceful you really can be. We’re all out of our comfort zones to varying degrees so come and join the party.

2. Put yourself out there. This is part of shattering your comfort zones. Get up, show up, push yourself even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t let a bad day get you down because those bad days are just a part of getting to the good days. Reach out to people online via social media. I have written “Hi, my name is Lucille, and I’m new to the group” so many times on various expat Facebook groups, and I still feel nervous about doing it every time. But every time without fail I’ve received a warm welcome, advice, or have been invited over for a glass of wine. Wine is the great expat unifyer. You might feel alone, but you definitely are not.

3. Say ‘Yes’ to everything. Self-help gurus will always say ‘learn how to say no’. As women, we tend to over commit, ‘yes of course I’d love to meet up for a coffee, I’m just getting a quick root canal, then I’ll quickly bake the choc chip mint souffle muffins for the school bake sale, then I’ve just got to pick up my neighbour’s kids and take them to soccer practice, nip home to let the dog out and I’ll be right over.’ That’s a slow day in my life. No just kidding, we don’t have a dog. Anyway, throw all of that advice straight out the window, because when you’re an expat you need to say yes to absolutely everything and everyone, for as long as it takes you to find your tribe. You may do loads of crazy stuff and meet loads of people who don’t fit, but sooner or later you’ll learn where you love to go, who you love to be with, and hey presto: you’ll have a tribe.

4. Find your person. By putting yourself out there and saying yes to everything, you’ll eventually find your person. This person is invaluable because she will be your ‘in’, your gateway to what’s happening, where it’s happening and who it’s happening with. She’ll offer you advice and support because she was new once and remembers how it feels to be lost and overwhelmed. She’ll introduce you to her awesome friends and they will become your awesome friends. And one day you’ll be someone’s person, and you’ll realize how much value a smile and an open heart really has.

5. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. It’s terrifying to feel vulnerable, and we are taught to always fight against it, to never let our guard down. But I think that when you are new and friendless in a new country, being vulnerable is a good thing. It’s a good thing because it’s your psyche’s way of telling you that you are out of your comfort zone, and when you are out of your comfort zone amazing things happen. It doesn’t feel good because we’re not used to relying on people, especially not strangers. But in my experience there is always a group of welcoming women (and men) who have been where you’re at and have felt how your feeling, and so understand perfectly that feeling vulnerable doesn’t make you weak, it’s just part of the settling in process.

6. Cut out all negative voices. There’s nothing like a move overseas to make you realize how set in your ways you are. But they are your ways, not the ways. But some people find this hard to come to terms with, and more often than not it’s these people who become the expat (and expert) complainers. Stay far away from these people. They will only bring you down and make it easier for you to focus on any negative aspects of your new location. I’m not saying don’t be aware of those negative aspects, but I am saying don’t get trapped into moaning about them with someone who is jaded. It’ll bleed into all aspects of your life and the one thing you desperately need is a good attitude.

7. Be humble. I think the new generation of expats move abroad to find genuinely new and exciting experiences, to broaden their horizons and to learn as much as they can. But if you find yourself in a country with major culture shockage of course it is tempting to withdraw to more familiar environs. And that’s totally fine, it’s your choice. But always remember you may be separate and different but you are never better. No amount of money, travel experience, life experience or imagined cultural superiority can make you better than someone else. I think this is sometimes forgotten.

8. Smile. This works especially well in Asia where nothing gets done without a smile. When we lived in Saigon I used to go for breakfast at one of the few western coffee shops in the city at the time (this was many years ago) and I’d order the fruit salad. Nine times out of ten my fruit salad would taste of garlic. The chef used the same knife to cut fruit and garlic apparently. I’d send it back every time, and ask to please use a clean knife. It would come back perfect. But literally every time I ordered it the first attempt would taste like garlic. It was just the process we’d have to go through, I never stopped ordering it, and the chef never tried to get it right the first time. Logic apparently didn’t apply to either of us. But there is no point in sweating the small stuff, and the big stuff is easier to deal with when you smile through it. Hard, I know.

9. Give yourself a break. Take your new life a day at a time. Allow yourself a day off from going and getting if you need it. But tomorrow be the go-getter again.

10. Find your oasis. Many people will say throw yourselves head first into your new culture. Mix with the locals, eat local food, do local things. I say, do all of that for sure, but make sure you find your oasis. Your oasis is a place where you feel connected to something familiar, where you can go when you need a break. It may be a baby group, an Irish pub, a park. For me it’s a Zara or a good English bookshop. Western sized clothing and a good book can remedy all of my woes. Find your oasis and go there when you need to recharge.

Expatting is really not easy, but we’re all in this together, so let’s remember to reach out to each other!

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