We were out for lunch with a group of friends and some other people we didn’t know very well, and the conversation turned, as it often does, to our next move.
“How long have you been back in SA now?”
“Three years and a bit”
“Do you think you’ll stay put now?”
“No, we definitely want to keep moving”
“Where were you before again?”
“Istanbul”
“Oh, ja that’s right, and your kids were born there hey?”
“One was, the other one was born here”
“Ok wow, and before Istanbul, UK?”
“Before Istanbul was Bangkok, before that Saigon, before that UK!”
“Oh hectic, so you really have lived all over.”
So, you know, general conversation, people genuinely curious about our situation. There was a lady across the table from us who I had met a few times but didn’t know very well, she was leaning forward, listening intently to us. After my self-conscious history of the past decade she breathed in sharply, leaned back in her chair and said,
“Gee-whiz, I don’t know how you manage to travel all over like that. I could never do what you do, I care far too much about my career.”
I felt the panicked confusion you feel when you think you’ve just been insulted, but aren’t quite sure, and replied,
“Why would you assume I gave up my career? In Vietnam I worked with an organization that raised money for children to have life saving heart operations, in Bangkok I began studying my second masters degree in Classical Studies majoring in ancient religions, in Istanbul I had a baby and chose to stay home with him, in South Africa I started a successful online business, creating the entire site from scratch, I renovated three properties, became a freelance writer, and still managed to have a second baby and be a mother”.
I’m just kidding. I didn’t say any of that. I just did what I always do in the face of passive aggression, or any aggression for that matter: I smiled and let it slide. But inside, oh inside! I was raging, and here’s why:
She was absolutely bloody spot on. She could have left the passive aggressive tone out, but in essence what she said was correct, I have put my career on hold to live the life I do. The problem I have is that people seem to judge me for it. And by ‘people’ I mean strangers mostly, people I encounter who are not from my tribe, not part of my inner circle, people who see a fabulous life but not much substance. And man alive does that make me mad!
I was twenty-four years old when Papa B got his first international assignment. I was working in London as a photographer and adored my job, but I felt The Twinge, you know, the ‘there’s a world out there, go and explore’ twinge. The curse of wanderlust. And so when he was offered a role in Vietnam I was like ‘hell yeah!’
I had no idea that it would be the start of twelve years of living like nomads (no end in sight yet). I thought Vietnam would be an experience, not a life choice. I didn’t realize that our expat journey would grow from a single backpack into a 40 foot container, two kids and a cat. But most importantly, I do not remember signing on the dotted line declaring my career dead.
I have ambitions, goals, enormous dreams, insatiable curiosity, but every now and then I am confronted with ‘aah, that’s so great, but what do you actually do?’ And for some reason there seems to be a misconception that because we travel a lot, I am permanently at leisure to do so. But here’s the thing, it all looks jolly from the outside, but anyone who lives a nomadic lifestyle will tell you that it comes at a great compromise. You get to see the world, but you don’t get to put down roots. And that weighs heavily. I call it the expat-wife conundrum (and I say ‘wife’ because eight times out of ten it’s the wives who follow the husbands). And the expat-wife conundrum is simply this:
Are you willing to choose life experience over work experience?
It’s a toughie, and you are never quite sure of your decision because we are programmed to compute success in terms of visible achievements, and self worth in terms of our job description. Success is measured in accolades not experiences. Over the past twelve years as an expat I’ve met some incredible women. Women who have graduated from Oxford, Yale, Berkley, Duke, and Edinburgh universities, women who have worked at the World Bank, the United Nations, women who speak six languages. Ask these ladies about anything from religion to history to politics to economics to how to make a pot roast and they’ll be lucid, engaging, opinionated and passionate. Some of these women choose not to work; others work way below their level of expertise so that they can still be mothers with flexible office hours. These women faced the expat-wife conundrum and chose life experience over work experience, and that choice should in no way detract from what they have achieved, or what they may still achieve.
But. But. There is always a lingering ‘what if’. What if I had stayed in London, would I be really successful? Would I have climbed the corporate ladder? Would I be an expert in my chosen field? Would I have built something to be proud of? My closest childhood friends have done this. They are in the upper echelons of their companies. One constantly wins awards for her role in the hospitality industry; one is so high up in a bank that I’m beginning to suspect she’s part of the Swedish mafia, one’s a pharmacist, another an Ofsted Inspector (she assesses and ranks government schools in the UK). Their success is validated as they rise through the ranks. But I don’t have any ranks. I don’t have an external corporate entity against which to measure my success. What I have created must speak for itself, and I must constantly reconcile my desire to be nomadic with my desire to put down roots and build something. But what I am building has no roots, it goes where I go, it lives and breathes with me, and so from the outside appears intangible. But look again because it is there.
And so when someone implies that I put my career on hold to be an expat wife, I bristle, even though on the face of it that’s exactly what I have done. My success may not be measurable in terms of promotions and job titles, but the success I have enjoyed has come off the back of hard work, risk-taking and persevering in the face of language barriers and cultural differences. At the end of the day I am proud of the fact that with two kids in tow I can pick up, move on, create a life from scratch, and continue to grow my business wherever we may land, and that I have no fear of doing so. My career isn’t dead, it’s just living outside the box.
And anyway, I wouldn’t trade trekking along the Great Wall or sleeping under the stars on a lumpy mattress in the desert for anything in the world. I choose life every time.
Love it!!!!! You are a very successful living woman! 🙂
xxxxx!
What a great post! I’ve needed something like this to reassure me lately. Thank you! <3
I’m so glad! Thanks so much xx
Brilliant article. I was just thinking yesterday about how we measure success and the inevitable ‘what do you do?’ question. My husband and work freelance and both do well but don’t have the career heights or pay cheques we could. But we have chosen this lifestyle for the flexibility and freedom it gives us. Being happy, following your heart, and life experiences are much more important in my opinion. Sounds like you are setting a great example for your children and have a life many in ‘normal lives’ would envy.
Thanks for your kind words 🙂 It’s so nice to hear from women who are in the same situation because sometimes our decisions and realities do weigh heavily on us. Xx
Very well said! I’ve been following my significant other for a bit over two years now and I always feel judged by those in my life who have measurable success. In the past two years I have seen and experienced so much that has grown me as a person but have I gotten past an entry level position in a company yet? No I have not. I really like how you chose life experience over work and how you make no apologies for that. Pretty inspirational 🙂
Thanks so much Kali! It’s an ongoing process I think, I don’t think I’ll ever feel 100% at peace with my decisions! But I try to own my choices and who says there’s a right way to live anyway?!? Travel on!!
Great post! We’ve all had those thoughts. Have you read The Wife Drought? It’s possibly a little too Australianized but the statistics are fascinating – I don’t think it’s just an expat wife conundrum, I think it’s a wife conundrum. Thanks so much for joining the BloggingME link up, off to read a few more of your posts now. xxx
Thanks Kirsty! It is TOTALLY a wife problem! What’s up with that!?! My inner anti-feminist is raging! 🙂 xx
I think I have been lucky to be part of a generation that never had this dilemma. I grew up in Africa as an expat child and secretly hankered after the lifestyle my mother enjoyed. I felt so incredibly lucky to be able to quit my job in my early twenties and travel with my husband round the world, producing and raising three children in three postings on the way. We met in Oman where I was working as a geologist in 1975. I felt so envious of all those other wives who had far more time to go windsurfing/ wadi bashing and do all those things I had so little time for. Oman was followed thirty years of travel to six countries and I loved every minute. There was always work of a kind, running a toddlers/ welcoming group in Denmark, growing Bougainvillea for charity/ running a bridge club in Brunei. Teaching English/ organising the hash house harriers in Syria. Collecting and studying African art in Nigeria. Teaching swimming at local schools in every posting. The skills I gained as a trailing spouse have proved invaluable now we are retired and living in France. Retirement is a great leveller, it’s not the job titles you achieved in your career that bring happiness once that stage of life ends, but meeting people from all walks of life and enjoying the great outdoors.
Oh I am SO thrilled to read your comment!! I have a suspicion that by the time I retire (or am at retirement age) I will feel exactly the same as you do. I’ll look back on an eventful and atypical life and be so glad I made the decisions I did. Thanks for your perspective!
I am lucky that I have always been able to find work in my chosen field where ever I go (I’m a teacher) BUT if it came down to having to choose career over living in interesting places, I would choose travel in a heartbeat 🙂
Shar
Right there with you Shar!
I can relate to this, having had a relatively short (and fabulous ) expat experience in Hong Kong with 3 young children at the time. However, some of this rings true also for me in my current role of stay at home mum to 3 teenagers. No ‘job’ to speak, but I am as fulfilled and challenged as I want and need to be, and also sometimes struggle to defend my position.
Hong Kong with 3 young kids is no mean feat! I often feel like raising kids in a foreign country requires similar skills to being a corporate: using one’s initiative, creating something from nothing, understanding cultural differences, negotiating skills, seeing the way forward with no clear path. We use all of these skills on a daily basis, and if we mess up it’s our lives that bear the brunt, not a company so actually the stakes are higher for us 🙂
I’m making this move in two months, my husband went on ahead today. I’m giving up my career to live in Abu Dhabi and am half scared and half excited. Thanks for the reassurance -life experience and family is way more important than moving up the company ladder.
Thanks for your comment Catherine! It’s so very exciting!! Don’t weigh yourself down with guilt/what if’s for one single second! You are about to do something so many people don’t have the guts to do 🙂 Good luck!! xx
Apologies in advance, but I just love your post and your writing, which has elicited far too long a reply!
Career is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as a person’s “course or progress through life (or a distinct portion of life)”.
Shortly before moving to Qatar, my husband was considering a single status assignment overseas – he had a friend who questioned our decision to separate the family for the sake of a ”career” move. When we chose instead to come to Qatar as a family, many questioned the move to the Middle East and particularly the fact that I was stepping away from my ”career”. When we arrived in Qatar, I stayed at home with my then one-year-old – an acquaintance back in Canada had this to say: ”I’m not really buying that you’re that happy considering you’ve given up an upwardly mobile ‘career’ to move to the desert and change diapers.”
Since returning to the workforce (here in Qatar), I’ve been questioned on more than one occasion about my decision to ”leave my kid in the hands of strangers for the sake of advancing my ‘career’ and earning a bit more cash”. There will always be someone out there to judge our ‘career’ decisions as fathers and mothers, but all these comments say more about the people making them than about the ”career” choices we’ve made for the sake of our family.
Your career sounds amazing, and obviously upwardly mobile. I have to admit I’m slightly jealous! Sounds like the lady seated across the table may have been as well 😉
Hey Gypsy, I’m so happy you enjoyed the post!! Thank you so much 🙂 I hear this from so many women, that no matter what you do there is never a way to satisfy everyone. If you don’t work after kids you’re judged, if you do you’re judged, but you are absolutely spot on when you say these judgements are about the people making them. It’s hard living outside the box…but so worth it.
Count your blessings ladies 🙂 l would love to be able to live abroad like that!
I just have to add…
If you worked in any capacity with children for a 40 hour week as an employee or running a business you would be considered employed. And depending on your aspirations, would call the job your career. The moment however, that you work with your own children – it seems it is no longer considered working! I am looking forward to a day when parenting is considered work as valuable to the community as healthcare workers and educators.
Absolutely Unakanda!
Yes. YES. YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Reblogged this on familyjansengoesnewyork.
“Why would you assume I gave up my career? In Vietnam I worked with an organization that raised money for children to have life saving heart operations, in Bangkok I began studying my second masters degree in Classical Studies majoring in ancient religions, in Istanbul I had a baby and chose to stay home with him, in South Africa I started a successful online business, creating the entire site from scratch, I renovated three properties, became a freelance writer, and still managed to have a second baby and be a mother”.
I’m just kidding. I didn’t say any of that.
Why not? Why did’t you say all of that? This is what you DID! Having a ‘proper’ career is SOO overrated.
This is your life, the way of life you choose. Own it and own everything that comes with it. And build and mould your career around your lifestyle. And own that and be proud of that, be proud of yourself! You’ve made a great choice living the way you do 🙂
Absolutely! Thanks Briant.
Yes indeed, those of us that choose this life do just that,Mae choose to live life, experience life and all the wonderful places this world has to offer. After all we only have one life and have no idea how long it will last. Thanks for sharing #expatlifelinky
Thanks for reading! I’m with you, wonderful places win for sure. xx
Great post! But you haven’t really put your career on hold have you? Perhaps you’ve put a ‘traditional’ career on hold but then again, careers in the traditional sense are being re-defined every day by people like you. Why should people judge you? That lady maybe spoke too soon before she thought – she clearly forgot her manners – and if she had thought about it, she might have seen all the positives that come with travel, experiencing other cultures, learning new things and having amazing experiences. You are doing something amazing for yourself and for your children – please do not think you are missing out or putting your career on hold. You’ve done some incredible stuff which you should be very proud of. Found you on #ExpatLifeLinky
Thanks Meghan, great comment! I don’t think she meant anything malicious by her comment, but it hit on something that I feel everyday and think about a lot. Is it worth it? Have I made the right decision? You know how that destructive mental narrative goes?! Actually, during my everyday life I’m proud as hell of my life and my experiences, but of course I have moments of doubt. Just as well because those moments of questioning my choices really act as a rudder for my life. If I really feel uncomfortable with something, it’s gotta be changed! xx
Oh I sympathise so much. 5 years ago, at the time of the last UK General Election I had made my bid for my difficult seat and lost but with credibility. We were going to go all out to get me a good chance in 2015 and then in 2011 we had a too good to miss offer and moved abroad. I tried to combine politics in the UK an a family in Central Asia for a while but decided for many reasons that something had to give for a while and it could not be the family. The election the other day was hard for me, I would have loved to contest it but I know we will be back in the UK eventually and then it will be my turn to go all out. For the moment I freelance at a rickety computer and enjoy spending time with my family instead.
I know I have made the right choice but like you I run fantasy put downs in my head when people make assumptions about me.
Hectic, those are some major decisions you made. Yep, fantasy put downs, that’s exactly it. xx
Career living outside of the box is a great way to put it! This post really spoke to me. #ExpatLifeLinky
Thanks so much Catarina!!
Yes. I was a diplomat. Now I am a…..what exactly? An author – but not a bestselling one! I have a part-time job managing a small journal. I look after two children. I follow my husband. However. It’s time we stopped defining ourselves by our career. Your achievements are huge, but not recognised in the “traditional” sense. So what? How many people will look back on their lives and wish they’d spent more time at work? I’m happy to have found your blog.
I should have added I found it through the #expatlifelinky
Exactly Clara! Cheers to us! Thanks so much for finding my blog!
Great Post! What a conundrum it truly is! I have often found myself asking the questions you ask. And I wish you had replied to that lady with what you wrote in this blog post! #ExpatLifeLinky
Thanks! I wish I had too 🙂 But I suspect her mind was made up.
Brilliant read, thank you for sharing. I had a 12 year career in accounting before my latest overseas stint and I just got a call from my professional body in Australia today asking about my overdue renewal fees; the poor bloke on the phone got my tirade about charging too much for women on maternity leave, not providing enough support to overseas members, lack of mentoring programs…. They’re going to strike me off on Friday if I don’t pay; 12 year career to date wasted or choosing life experience?
Thanks so much Keri! It’s Friday, so what happened in the end? See this is exactly what I’m talking about, if you’re not in, you’re out and there’s very little tolerance for doing things differently. xx
Well they never called me back to discuss my ‘issues’ in more depth and I tried to be a good citizen and pay my fees online but the web page is not working! I will pay one more year and see….
This is spot on! I read to the last word and thought…”she’s reading my mind”. Love your blog, and love that like other ‘trailblazing’ spouses out there, you have chosen LIFE.
Ah you’re very kind! Thanks for reading! Xxx
Love this! I have also put my career ‘on hold’ as my partner got a job in the USA, which is notoriously unwelcoming to spouses and doesn’t provide any work provisions or allowances for us. But travel and experience is my priority, so I’m enjoying soaking it all up, writing about it and developing an alternative form of career in the long run, looking towards the days when I will be allowed to work again 🙂
Hi Elen, thanks for your comment! Yes it is tough being the trailblazing spouse. We have to build everything from scratch again, and it’s hard work. But I think it does help to keep in mind the amazing things we get to see and do along the way. All the best! xx
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Thank you for putting thoughts in to words and feelings onto paper for me to share with all my friends who “get it” AS WELL as with the people who don’t! Lovely post.
Thank you Ingrid! xx
Thanks Lucille… I just came across your post. You made me feel so much less alone and so much more understood! All the best, Giulia
Hi Giulia, lovely to hear from you. You are definitely not alone!! There are many aspects to being an accompanying partner/expat wife that are really challenging. Wishing you all the best, Lucille
I love this. You are so right. My situation is slightly different as I did not study or give up a career to follow my husband. I often see this in fellow expats and I think it must be tough, BUT, it’s our mindset. There are many things we can do to use our time wisely, for the benefit of not just ourselves, but our husbands, kids and community we find ourselves in. Just embrace it! Glad to have found your blog!
Thank you so much for your comment Colleen! I think a loss of identity can happen whether you have given up a career or not. I too moved abroad before I really had a career career. A job that I loved, yes, but I love adventure more! My challenge has been to forge my own identity on the move. I think that is universal. It is a mindset thing, I agree with you!
Excellent post! I see you wrote it years ago, but I just found a link to it today, and I can relate to it so much!
On my first visit home after having lived abroad for a year, I had a dear friend sincerely ask me if I found it hard to keep from gaining weight now that we had moved abroad and I wasn’t “working”. After a few follow-up questions for clarification, it became clear to me that he was truly under the assumption that all I did was sit around the house now. I was already self-conscious about having left an eleven-year career, and his comment confirmed what I had been thinking to be true – that even some of my closest friends didn’t understand what my life was like now.
This was 2 1/2 years ago and I am still living abroad and I still worry that people think that just because I moved abroad for my husband’s work, that I gave up mine. When in fact, I have very purposefully used this time in my life to reevaluate my career and to work on projects that will set me up for a slight change in career if/when I do return to working full-time. I’ve volunteered, I’ve done freelance work, I’ve gone back to school to earn a postgraduate certificate, and perhaps most importantly, I’ve found better work/life balance (if such a thing exists) and have been able to be very involved in my child’s international school, and enjoy a more relaxed family life.
I wish that people would not feel the need to equate “work” and “career” with “9-5”, “full-time”, “salaried” jobs, because I think that is just as much at play here as the whole “expat wife” thing.
Sorry for the long response, but I guess your post really struck a chord! I’ve enjoyed finding your blog and wish you continued success. Cheers!
Hi Rebecca, its taken me a while to respond, apologies. Your comment brings up so many familiar issues and feelings, and to be honest I don’t think some of my friends/family will ever see that I have a full, purposeful and successful life outside The Box. I find it best (for my own mind) to just let it go. Let my need to be understood by them go. Its hard. I hate suspecting that they see me as a failure. But I know that I’m not. And other expats who are in our position know that we are not. So cheers to that. I did write this post ages ago, in fact, I think it was my 3rd blog post EVER. It’s been shared thousands of times, so it hit a chord for sure. Thanks for reading! xx